Why is children's behaviour worse than it has ever been, and can we improve it?

Raising children is a joy, except when it’s absolutely maddening. And it may be more frustrating today than it’s ever been is told by most parents in today’s modern India.

Is there an epidemic of misbehaviour? Are kids really worse now than they used to be?

Kids are definitely worse now than they have been. It’s impossible to prove 100 per cent why this is the case, but I think there is very compelling evidence. There’s three factors that really align with the timing of the change in kids. The dramatic decline in play in children today compared with a generation or two ago. Kids are pretty much constantly supervised from the time they are born until they’re maybe 18 when they leave home, so they never learn to manage their own behaviour. The second big factor is media and the growth of so much media that’s bombarding us with information and ideas about who we should be and what we should want.

Forty years ago kids figured out who they should be and what they should want, mostly by thinking about themselves. We’ve seen clinical research that this external focus is associated with anxiety and depression. The third big factor is just the decline in our communities and connection in our families. Maybe a generation ago a child would be in charge of a younger sibling, or they would have had a job of putting dinner on the table, and now their job is to get straight A’s and be a super star.

Why are chores linked to a kid’s happiness?

Household chores are one of the biggest links to happiness because when you do a chore you immediately see how your family benefits, or you benefit or your home is neater, and you get that immediate feedback and positive reinforcement.

Do you think parents are too controlling these days?

We have this impulse to make our kids do things as if that is our job. Actually, our job is to help them figure out how to control themselves. When we are controlling or critical it doesn’t teach our children anything. The more that children have independence, the less they fight with you, because they feel empowered.

Describe what you call the apprenticeship model of parenting?

The first and most important element is connection with the child. Without that connection, nothing can happen – no discipline, or learning or co-operation will happen. The second is communicating with the child about what is going on with what you’re willing to do and what they’re willing to do, and where you can compromise. The third is capability building, and I think that’s the one that parents are not as focused on. The more you and your child both can recognize and acknowledge the growth in their skills – maybe two months ago your kid was always leaving their backpack and having to run back in for it and now they’ve started to remember it – the more you can help your child recognize they are growing. Eventually that little person will become self-sufficient and independent.

Why is harsh verbal discipline is so counterproductive?

The problem is that we as parents are the source of self-regulation for our children. They don’t yet have all of the ability to manage their executive function and to manage their emotions. So we, just by our presence, our physical touch and our own calm physiology, help them to self-regulate. If we’re calm, they will be, too. If we’re yelling, they’ll be agitated and in that fight or flight stage.

But we’re all going to yell at our kids once and a while, aren’t we?

None of us is perfect. When I yell at my kids in the heat of the moment I try as quickly as possible to say, “I’m really sorry, I lost my temper.” And if next time you can catch yourself before you yell and say out loud, “I feel that I am about to yell. I am going to go outside and just go around the block until I cool down,” that’s giving your child another strategy of how to calm down and how to help them manage their strong feelings.

Are we passing down wisdom or knowledge to our children?

They were nothing if they weren't well-educated and sophisticated enough to bring down corporations like Enron, Global Crossing, and WorldCom. However, one can't help but wonder whether there was something fundamentally missing from the education they received. Even today's terrorist is far removed from the cliché of an ignorant peasant who joins an organisation because he or she has nothing else to do and does not take any responsibility for his or her actions. Terrorists who are operating in our shadows are, on the other hand, well-educated and well-educated people from all over the world. As soon as something goes awry, they rely only on their brains to figure out a way to fix it. It's becoming increasingly clear that their schooling was fundamentally flawed.

How do I know what it is? In my opinion, the problem is that most of the time, we teach students to be smart and knowledgeable, but not how to put those skills to good use. Instead of focusing solely on memorization of facts and a cursory degree of analysis, schools should be educating students for wisdom.

If you want to learn wisdom, you need to understand that it isn't just about what you know but how you apply what you know. They are preparing students for the "fourth R," which the Bush administration recently referred to as "responsibility." There are four common misconceptions that smart but dumb and irresponsible people, including some who have or have run significant corporations in our country, demonstrate.

Egocentrism

When people think the world revolves around them, they fall prey to the egocentric fallacy. As the egomaniacs' requirements alter, other individuals are seen as merely tools to be utilised and then discarded. So why do intelligent individuals have such narrow perspectives? People who have traditionally been regarded as intelligent tend to become so focused on themselves that they lose sight of the wants and needs of those around them.

Omniscience

A person must have the ability to discern what he or she knows and doesn't know at any given moment, as well as what can and cannot be known. Because of this, the second fallacy is all too common, even among the brightest among us.

The illusion of omniscience arises when people begin to believe that they are not only experts in the fields in which they have studied, but also that they are well-versed in virtually every subject under the sun. As a result, people are vulnerable to making disastrous decisions on the basis of insufficient information that they are unaware of.

Omnipotence

The erroneous belief that omniscience equates to omnipotence is the root of the omnipotence fallacy. People in positions of authority may begin to believe that they are invincible. Furthermore, they disregard the age-old adage that power corrupts, but only absolute power corrupts completely. Due to the fourth fallacy, people do not consider the possible implications of their acts.

Invulnerability

The myth of invulnerability is based on the erroneous belief that one can do anything one wants if one is all-knowing and all-powerful. And they can get away with anything because they are all-knowing. The likelihood is that they'll be unnoticed. In the event that they are found, however, they believe they will be able to avoid punishment since they are smarter than those who have caught up to them.

Is it possible for clever people to avoid making the same kinds of mistakes that ignorant people do?

Wisdom, according to me, is the ability to use one's intellect and experience to benefit the greater good. A delicate balancing act is required to reach this goal.

internal (to oneself),

relating to one's fellow human beings

Over the medium and long run, extrapersonal (i.e., non-personal, such as institutional) interests

This means that sensible people are concerned not only for themselves, but also for everyone else to whom they owe any sort of duty.

The implication of this viewpoint is that intelligence alone is insufficient. It's critical to have a level of wisdom as well.

Schools should seriously explore including wisdom-related abilities into their curriculum for a number of reasons.

Knowledge alone is not enough for wisdom, and it surely does not ensure happiness, contentment, or a desire to behave in a way that goes beyond one's own benefit. Wisdom appears to be a more effective means of achieving these objectives.

Wisdom also allows us to incorporate thoughtful and deliberative ideals into our crucial decisions. If you want to be wise, you cannot be impetuous, mindless, or immoral.

Third, wisdom is a path to a better, more peaceful world.

Hitler, Stalin, and others may have had some information. For their own self-interest, they may have been excellent critical thinkers. They were foolish.

Finally, students, who will go on to be parents and leaders, are always a part of a broader society. This is why it's important that they learn the art of judging righteously on behalf of their community.

Instability does not exist in a vacuum if the future is marred by war and upheaval. We are the source and repository of it all. It's for all of these reasons that students need to think critically (and even creatively) about the material they're learning as well as think carefully about their studies in general.

Any subject matter can be used to teach wisdom.

As a result, students develop the ability to think critically and to see things from a variety of perspectives, both past and present. For example, a "settler" may be referred to as a "invader" by another group. One group may refer to "Manifest Destiny" as "land theft," while another group may refer to it as "land grab." Peace or at least avoidance of war is largely dependent on students' ability to grasp how other nations and cultures see issues and their solutions differently from our own. However, the ultimate objective should not be acceptance of these other viewpoints or even a compromise, but rather an understanding that solving difficult life situations demands a mutual desire for understanding and the pursuit of solutions that everyone involved can embrace. The results of our own studies show that pupils who are taught to think wisely outperform those in a control group who learn history in a more traditional manner.

The road to wisdom teaching is a bumpy one:

To begin with, it's tough to modify established educational frameworks. Schools don't teach wisdom. In most cases, it isn't even talked about.

As a second point, many people will not see the utility in teaching anything that does not have as its primary aim the increasing of standard exam scores. No matter how you slice it, teaching to the exam is not the fundamental aim of education.

Because knowledge takes time to cultivate, it is not as easily measured as other types of achievement, such as "Which city is the capital of France?"

For those who have earned power and influence in society by a single means—money, high test scores, parental influence, or whatever—are unlikely to want that power or a new criterion developed on which they do not rate as highly. As a result, there is no shortcut to wisdom or wisdom education. There was never, and probably never will be, another time.

Our world may be one that is constantly striving to improve itself and the lives of everyone in it, thanks to wisdom. When it comes to the future of our country, we have a choice. Is there anything in particular that we hope to accomplish through our education? Is it simply a matter of education? No, I don't think that's it. Perhaps it's also a form of wisdom? If we want our pupils to learn wisdom, we need to put them on a very different path. It's important to value not only how they maximise their own achievements, but also how they enhance the achievements of others as well, by using their exceptional qualities.

We must, in a nutshell, regard wisdom as a valuable commodity. Our actions are just as essential as our thoughts when it comes to becoming wise. The influence of a wise India will be far greater than that of a well-informed one.

One foe that both parents and children must contend with: exams

Anxiety is sprouting in many of our children at this time of year, when the weather is cooling down.Soon as summer approaches and the weather starts warming up  again and the flowers are blooming their brightest hues. The "all or nothing" atmosphere of high stakes testing creates swarms of fear and anxiety in the minds of pupils during the summer months.

When we're parents, we may experience how these feelings materialize personally. The question, "Mom, do you think I'll pass?" has been asked so many times. It's hard for my coworker's 10-year-old kid to sleep at night because he's worried about missing just one or two questions on his next high school exam. As a result, students in all grades appear to be under a great deal of stress as a result of the tremendous focus placed on test achievement.

Even though some uneasiness is normal, over-anxiousness and obsessing over the worst-case scenario might actually harm your performance.

Confidence can be disrupted by physical symptoms such as tense shaking, sobbing, and "butterflies" in the stomach. Fear and negative thinking can cause youngsters to "blank out" or second-guess themselves during an exam, even if they have studied and are confident in their answers. Test anxiety can be alleviated by encouraging youngsters and assisting them in focusing on good outcomes.

In the midst of supporting your child through exams, here are some pointers for parents:

How well your teachers are educating you is not what the test is measuring.."

If a child's performance is personalized (good or negative), they are more likely to associate that performance with feelings of self-worth or lack thereof, according to research. A alternative strategy is possible instead of allowing her youngster to personalize his performance. It was a father of a 10-year-old boy who was suffering nightmares and was on the verge of an emotional collapse, despite being a school topper in his grade.

That's why she explained to her son that examinations are meant to measure how successfully a school or school district educates its kids, and the only way to do that is by asking pupils questions to find out what they've learned. She was able to alleviate her son's anxiety by handing over some of the duty to the school. A lesson learned from this experience helped him to realize that standardized tests are not the only way to measure his intelligence.

As a result, "the test is not a reflection of the complete YOU."

Suppose a mom has an anxious 7th-grader and identical twin boys. It was common for people to note on how different each of the twins looked when they were pictured together. Isn't it obvious that they're different? A photograph is a moment in time that captures the twins performing various things at the same time. It is possible that one twin may be smiling while the other is not; one may be tilting his head to the right while the other is gazing at the camera, making them appear different in that particular moment. In other words, it doesn't indicate that they aren't identical.

She utilized the same example to assist ease her older children's exam-related stress. A single snapshot of time is captured by the test, she explains to him. The photo just shows one facet of his brothers, and a single test does not tell the complete story about him. When she spoke to him, she reminded him of his academic achievements. Highlight their non-academic triumphs, such being named Junior Coach and receiving the "Student Of The Week" award, in an effort to help him realize that a single test does not define him as either a student or as an individual.

"The most important thing is to try your best," as the saying goes.

Encourage children by praising their efforts as well as their results. There is a direct correlation between effort and success, according to studies. It is possible for children to recognize that their "smartness" or lack thereof is not a limiting factor in their achievement if they understand that hard work and dedication lead to success. The growth mentality is a term for this type of thinking. When children have a development mentality, they can see that their entire achievement is not limited by one test on one day, but rather by their performance throughout the school year, their hard work, their commitment, and their character.

"Put your ideas in a favorable direction."

Motivation can be increased by cultivating an attitude of gratitude.

When we experience negative emotions, our bodies are wired to shut down all other thoughts and focus only on what's causing the emotion. This makes it difficult for the mind to work optimally. The opposite is true: thinking positively helps people widen their perspectives and focus their attention, both of which lead to increased productivity.

It's important for parents to assist their children cultivate a positive mindset by encouraging them to focus on their accomplishments rather than their failures on tests.

When given an incentive, such as a trip to the mall with the family after the test, youngsters are more likely to focus on the end result than than the process of taking the test.

Having children write down their ideas can also be a terrific method to help them deal with their anxieties. It has been found that writing about test-related anxiety before the test improves performance.

It is understandable that teachers and schools place a great deal of importance on grades. Many more often than I realize, parents instill a sense of urgency by bringing up the upcoming test, saying things like, "We need to make sure that you [my son] are [ready for the boards]" or "You're in 4th grade; we have to take studies seriously. In addition to reflecting the adults in their lives, children often seek to adults for guidance on how to deal with stressful situations. Anxiety in adults can cause anxiosity in children, as well. Alternatively, they can try to remain calm, grounded, and positive.

Parental support can be crucial in helping youngsters cope with test anxiety. You need to be mindful, encouraging and make sure your youngster knows that you support him or her.