Is there an epidemic of misbehaviour? Are kids really worse now
than they used to be?
Kids are definitely worse now than they have been. It’s
impossible to prove 100 per cent why this is the case, but I think there is
very compelling evidence. There’s three factors that really align with the
timing of the change in kids. The dramatic decline in play in children today
compared with a generation or two ago. Kids are pretty much constantly
supervised from the time they are born until they’re maybe 18 when they leave
home, so they never learn to manage their own behaviour. The second big factor
is media and the growth of so much media that’s bombarding us with information
and ideas about who we should be and what we should want.
Forty years ago kids figured out who they should be and what
they should want, mostly by thinking about themselves. We’ve seen clinical
research that this external focus is associated with anxiety and depression.
The third big factor is just the decline in our communities and connection in
our families. Maybe a generation ago a child would be in charge of a younger
sibling, or they would have had a job of putting dinner on the table, and now
their job is to get straight A’s and be a super star.
Why are chores linked to a kid’s happiness?
Household chores are one of the biggest links to happiness
because when you do a chore you immediately see how your family benefits, or
you benefit or your home is neater, and you get that immediate feedback and
positive reinforcement.
Do you think parents are too controlling these days?
We have this impulse to make our kids do things as if that is
our job. Actually, our job is to help them figure out how to control
themselves. When we are controlling or critical it doesn’t teach our children
anything. The more that children have independence, the less they fight with
you, because they feel empowered.
Describe what you call the apprenticeship model of parenting?
The first and most important element is connection with the
child. Without that connection, nothing can happen – no discipline, or learning
or co-operation will happen. The second is communicating with the child about
what is going on with what you’re willing to do and what they’re willing to do,
and where you can compromise. The third is capability building, and I think
that’s the one that parents are not as focused on. The more you and your child
both can recognize and acknowledge the growth in their skills – maybe two
months ago your kid was always leaving their backpack and having to run back in
for it and now they’ve started to remember it – the more you can help your
child recognize they are growing. Eventually that little person will become
self-sufficient and independent.
Why is harsh verbal discipline is so counterproductive?
The problem is that we as parents are the source of
self-regulation for our children. They don’t yet have all of the ability to
manage their executive function and to manage their emotions. So we, just by
our presence, our physical touch and our own calm physiology, help them to
self-regulate. If we’re calm, they will be, too. If we’re yelling, they’ll be
agitated and in that fight or flight stage.
But we’re all going to yell at our kids once and a while, aren’t
we?
None of us is perfect. When I yell at my kids in the heat of the
moment I try as quickly as possible to say, “I’m really sorry, I lost my
temper.” And if next time you can catch yourself before you yell and say out
loud, “I feel that I am about to yell. I am going to go outside and just go
around the block until I cool down,” that’s giving your child another strategy
of how to calm down and how to help them manage their strong feelings.
