What A Comeback!The Laws That Change the Way We Think.---------"Stories that Reveal the Science Behind Resilence."

“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a new way to stand.”― Oprah Winfrey

"There's nothing as exciting as a comeback - seeing someone with dreams, watching them fail, and then getting a second chance" -Rachel Griffiths

We have all faced difficult moments at some stage in our life. Life has always been unpredictable. Be it a child or the most powerful person, no one is spared! Things do not turn out as we predict them to be. This is true for every profession and individual. The most successful man or woman will vouch for the above statement. It is true for every relationship, at some point of our lives. As we parent our children or hold on to a relationship, these unpredictable situations follow us.

Resilience and Perseverance go hand in hand in shaping the conditions of a comeback. It is when failure stares at us, clawing back seems a distant reality. Many believe that it is not everyone’s cup of tea. But our mind has other plans. A comeback is manufactured! And is the building block for a new life of hope and happiness. We all stage a comeback sooner a later but the time taken differs with every individual.

What a comeback! Is an inspiring journey of 10 friends who go through torrid times in their lives.

The book gives us an insight into the functioning of the thought processes that govern our responses both in favorable and in tough times. The stories of Sam and his friends make the readers realize that they too can be superheroes in their lives and they do not need to wait for a miracle, to come up with the right decisions in life.

The book is based on the laws of neuroplasticity which have been formulated based on neuroscience and the changes taking place in our brain. These laws were always existing in our lives but we never realized that these were making our thought process autonomous (without our conscious control).

 Each and every story is about a common man, his everyday problems and his tirade against the uncertainties of life. The author gives a journey into the brain of the characters and how the brain functions and overcomes difficult situations.

This is the first time when someone has tried to explain the complex mechanisms of neuroscience with the help of stories.

 The intention of writing the book is to leave the reader with a sense of hope and belief that a comeback is possible in their life at any stage, no matter what destiny presents us in our journey.

"No one has ever achieved great heights if they have not mastered the art of the comeback." Dr. Chirag Jain

“To persevere, I think, is important for everybody. Don't give up, don't give in. There's always an answer to everything.”-Louis Zamperini

you can book your copy on Amazon

Suicide video from Kandivali-The lessons learnt

 A class ninth student of Gundecha Education Academy  at Kandivili ended her life by jumping from top floor of her building. Cause is unknown. We are no one to judge her or her family or the circumstances. Family is at loss and so  is she. The video of the suicide has been widely shared on social media and parents like in most suicide cases are unaware of the situation. The danger of the suicide video being seen by the children is one of the irony which most of the parents sharing the video are unaware.

I have jotted down some of the facts and remedies which parents can intervene and prevent such events from happening.

1. A child is prone to depression much more than adults.

2.Till the age of 18, a child can be prone to mental illness , disorders and depression.

3.  If a child is showing any kinds of withdrawals , sitting quiet for a long time, dreaming , sudden loss of attention span, too many distractions and not interested in anything, temper tantrums, bouts of anger or crying too easily on petty things , please sit with the child.

4.  Take leave from work, go for a vacation. Leave everything and talk to him or her. No need to ask her why is she sad or aloof. Just discuss general things to encourage her to open up. Assure that you are there whatever happens.

5.   

Don’t ask your child to adjust too much to any changes in life. Everyone has a level of adaptability. Let it happen at its pace.

6.    No academics is important than your child’s mental and physical health.

7.  No comparing the child with others rather compare with herself/himself. Eg. When you did that test / sang a song/ played  well last time, we were more happy.

8. 

Children should play till the age they want to. Play is stress busters. Physical exercise is also a stress buster. If they don’t get a chance to play due to less kids or weather, enroll them in some hobby class or pursue a sport.

9.  If they like to dance and sing they should do that everyday.

10.    Please don’t burden them with school homework , tuition homework and external classes homework. Thinking will be limited.

11.    Talk about everything that we converse at home appropriately as per their level. Let them be aware of life's dealings.

12.  Listen to them too. If they don’t want tuitions / studies for a day or two, pls give them that break. Explain the consequences of that break. Don’t warn.

13.   Allow and encourage them to befriend  like minded kids . Let them meet their friends sometimes under supervision. Talk about their friends and their family. Allow child to gauge the nature of her friends so that she or he knows to judge correctly.

14.   Probably many of us didnt witness or even heard such incidents because we had plenty of friends to talk and share our thoughts.

15.   

Nowadays because of growing instances of  manhandling , abduction etc. We dont allow them to go down and play on their own. However, we need to make some time for this. PLAY ,  having good FRIENDS and parental interaction with kids are critical.

16. One of the best way to deal with a child having any addiction like media, bad company, drugs etc is by diverting him or her and keeping them busy with tasks they are insterested in.

17. Building up their emotional intelligence and helping to manage their emotions is important.

18. DO NOT HESITATE to take professional help if in doubt or if needed. Do not take things for granted by ignoring.

Just wote this blog  to increase more awareness among we parents.

 Every emotional turmoil can be sorted through right intervention and communication.

Life is priceless.

The untold story of the Murderer in Ryan International school

We have been reading a lot about the gruesome murder of seven-year-old Pradhyuman’s body was found in the washroom of a Ryan International School branch in Gurugram. The botched up investigations by the state police seems further increase the insecurities amongst the parents. Is my child safe in school? To add to the mystery the CBI has come up with another theory of a 16 year old student doing the gruesome act. The fact that a 16 year old child can actually commit a crime of this magnitude in a top international school is not palatable for quite a few parents. What must be the child’s psychological state and was it an act of impulsivity or a prolonged effect of some psychological trauma? What will be the effect on the juveniles mind if this turns out to be a botched up investigation like Aarushi’s murder case? My aim to write the article basically tries to dig deeper into the mind of the juvenile who has been arrested by CBI and finds out the reasons why the child acted in a horrific way. The contributing factors while lead to a criminal mindset and what parents can do about it?

Let’s try to first recap a few points about the case so far.

·       Pradyuman had been dropped outside his school in the morning just before start of school hours and in a matter of 15 minutes, he was found to be lying in a pool of blood, dead.

·       The police arrested a bus conductor as the murder accused even before the passage of a whole day.

·       The Gurugram Police Commissioner boasted that the case will be cracked in 1-2 days.

·       The arrested bus conductor first confessed to committing the murder then retracted the statement, saying the police coerced it out of him.

·       The investigation was handed over to the CBI which after several weeks detained a school student as accused.

·       The CBI has asked for the 16-year-old boy's custody in order to find out if any other people were involved in the crime, and to also unearth the sequence of events leading to Pradyuman Thakur's death, and to "unearth the conspiracy, if any".

·       The CBI has asserted that after inspecting the crime scene, the CCTV footage, movement of students near the crime scene and questioning people in the school, it has identified and apprehended the accused.

·       The CBI's findings in the case came as an embarassement to the state police as the CBI said that a Class XI student who allegedly wanted a parent-teacher meeting and examinations to be postponed had been apprehended in connection with the killing of seven-year-old Pradyuman in Gurugram's Ryan International School.

·       As it has often been seen, wide media coverage and public outcry put investigating agencies under extra pressure.

·       In many cases, failure in proper preliminary investigation, or incomplete/delayed collection of forensic evidence lead to botched up investigations that ultimately make it more difficult for the victim to get justice.

If the crime was committed by the 16 year old boy

The motive of the murder was postponing the parent teachers meeting and examination. It may sound very trivial to most of us but it would be really important to know what led the juvenile of 16 years to actually do the gruesome act. So let’s assume that the juvenile committed the crime. So let’s try to understand his mind

1.     What were the changes in the brain that must have taken place? We all know that “amygdala” a part of the brain which deals with firing emotions develops by the age of 2 and the prefrontal (neobrain) develops by the age of 20 years and for some it may be later. This we label it as maturity. The prefrontal lobe works as a regulator to control emotions like anger, sadness or impulses. In short, kids are without any regulation till the lobe develops completely. Here the role of parents and educator comes into play. Most of the schools do not have curriculum or take active interventions in India into helping the child deal with these raging emotions. So the primary responsibility of helping the child with socioemotional problems lies on the shoulders of the parents. If both parents are working the child is left at the mercy of the caretakers. This creates this dysregulation.A study done in United States where MRI of criminals were done and it was found that most of them had a very thin layer of prefrontal lobe with an enlarged hypertrophied amygdala. Hence when provoke they were unable to regulate their impulsive behavior. Hence, lack of regulation in kid lead to such catastrophe.

2.     The motive was the postponement of examinations. If it hold true, then the children today are highly stressed by the expectations of parents as well as educators to excel in their academics. A study by me where we measured the blood cortisol of school going kids on a normal  day without any examination. We were shocked to see that the average levels of cortisol (207) were actually on the higher side close to the upper limit (210).You can imagine what must be the state of the child when they appear for their examinations. Again lack of regulation will make the child take these drastic steps as it is evident by shootouts in the United States.

3.     The role of gaming and gadgets have further deregulated the children.The ease of availability and addiction of technology  in today’s kids is for everyone to see. At a very tender the age the child learns to shoot someone in a game by a click on the mobile. Violence in cartoons like Chota Bheem are seen by kids of the 6 and 7 years. Since the prefrontal lobe is not developed, the difference between good and bad is not understood by them. Hence we are seeing a rise in violence and aggressiveness among kids. Surprisingly parents themselves want them to be addicted to television initially but later on regret. Social media like Facebook and whatsapp have contributed to isolating a child and interfering in the basic skills of communication. Games like Blue whale have taken undue significance due to poor development of socioemotional skills in the learning phase of teenagers. Typing an emoji saves the body a lot of trouble of making facial expressions but eventually creates plutonic and shallow relationships. You type a wrong emoji and the meaning changes.

4.     Lack of effective programs and interventions in schools focusing on socioemotional behavior and helping children to deal with stress.

5.     Time spend by parents with students has markedly reduced. With the hectic schedules and competitions in today’s world, parents are not giving enough quality time to their children.They themselves are too much involved their own world, the child misses the guidance and compassion of the parents. With a deregulated and agitated system the child is bound to react impulsively. I am not defending the juvenile who committed the crime but simply believe that he is not solely responsible.

What if the Juvenile has not committed the crime?

The marks on the child’s mind where the whole country is gunning for his life are going to be damaging and permanent. The amygdala which is deregulated will fire and lead to the added frustration and anger. This will have an extremely negative impact on his mind which may lead  him to become a hard core criminal or commit suicide depending on the value system. All we can pray that the CBI at least in this case has not goofed up in naming him as the murderer. It may end up destroying the future of a young life.

Way forward

Parents and educators need to take combined responsibility in developing the socioemotional behavior of the children.Teaching them to deal with their impulsiveness.

Some of the tips which may be useful for parents

Talk to your children .Parents need to speak to their children without judging them and advising them. Make them your friend and listen to their problems controlling the urge to advise them if not necessary.

Limiting gadget times. Parents need to fix the gadget times for both themselves and their children. By forcing them to switch of the gadget and parents still using them might not work. Children learn from their parent’s behavior and mimic them.

Giving positive feedback: One of the most depressing thing for a child is to get a negative comment from the parents. Parents are their world especially for young kids. Every negative comment creates disinterest in their studies or activities and widens the gap of understanding between them.

Giving them space. Every child is special and each one has a unique quality and skill. By judging and analyzing them solely on their marks and ignoring their other talents, we destroy their self-confidence and make them more aggressive. Understanding the strengths and weaknesses is done by all parents but very few have the heart to ignore their weakness and help them work on their strengths. There would be only doctors and engineers in the world and no painters or sportsman if academics was the yardstick to success.

For educator and school authorities: Effort should be made by introducing programs to develop the socioemotional behavior of the kids .Active interventions at the right age will prevent the murder of kids like Pradyuman and spoil the future of teenager who murdered him . There are many Pradyumans and teenager who are roaming around with an unregulated mind who need active intervention. My vision is that socioemotional interventions like mindfulness based cognitive therapy will be made compulsory in school curriculum which seems to the need of the hour and save many Pradyumans and the teenage boy.

5 Phrases All Parents Must Avoid

The truth is we are all human and we all make mistakes. However, to a child’s mind its parents are something A LOT more than just a human. They are its creators, its caretakers, its guardians, and they’ve lived here before it was even born. They are the only thing we are familiar with in the midst of this vast unknown. That’s the reason why what parents do and how they behave becomes a crucial part of their children’s psyche.

If they are angry most of the time they speak to us, if they are harsh and cold if they shout and yell whenever we do something wrong, that’s how we’ll deal with ourselves whenever we make a mistake. But as we said, we are all human, we make mistakes and that’s ok. The way you approach the mistakes is how you learn and overcome them.

NEVER USE THESE 5 PHRASES WHEN TALKING TO YOUR CHILD:

1. “YOU ARE WORTHLESS!”

This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval of. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never-ending journey to seek approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.

There are so many things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”

2. “STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW!”

Usually, when a kid does something it knows will be punished for they start crying. But even though there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right in the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly programming your child to suppress its emotions.

Instead, you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweety, it’s ok to show how you feel. But that doesn’t make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.

3. “I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!”

Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”

4. “YOU ARE NOT [SOMETHING] ENOUGH!”

By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”

5. “BIG BOYS/GIRLS DON’T GET SCARED!”

First of all, why are you lying to your kid? You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared, buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside of you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”