Why Decision Making becomes decision fatigue -whats the science dude?

Take a moment to count the decisions you have made since morning. Most likely, you’ve chosen what clothes  to wear, what to have for breakfast, which route to take to work. Once at work, you took stock of pressing demands and made some decisions about which tasks to tackle first.

 If you’re a manager, you might have had to schedule and attend meetings, possibly negotiate with team members on a proposal, counsel administrative staff, prepare reports or presentations, and pitch an idea.

All before lunch...........

Additionally, because of escalating pressures and deadlines, you might have felt called upon to do the thinking for some of the people you work with, something you find both necessary and frustrating at the same time. 

When you notice that some team members respond without enthusiasm, you grow resentful. Intellectually, you know it’s important for employees to have ownership in the decisions that are being made so they will be more likely to carry them out.

But the deadline is looming, there’s no time, and it’s your job on the line.

If any of this sounds like something you experience in home with your kids or at work , it’s quite possible you’re suffering from decision fatigue.

 Neuroscience explains why we suffer this fatigue and points to what we can do to guard against it.

This happen because of the part of the brain called Prefrontal Lobe. Although it is supposed to be the newest and the most effective part of the brain, it has its own shortcomings.

 The prefrontal cortex is like the ‘goldilocks’ of the brain, because it needs to have everything just right or it doesn’t function well. This most evolved part of the brain allows people to plan ahead, make complex decisions, organize and inhibit unhelpful responses.

Amygdala  an almond shaped organ in the brain responsible for emotions and evoking the stress response(flight ,fright and freeze).Under stress, however, the prefrontal cortex can malfunction—as chemicals are unleashed, cells are prevented from communicating properly, and we find we are less able to regulate both our thoughts and our behavior.

Another area of importance is the anterior cingulate cortex(ACC). Research has found that cells in this area are active when people widen or narrow their attention — say, when they filter out distractions to concentrate on a difficult task, like listening for a voice in a noisy room.

Threats v Rewards

The primary goal of the brain is to minimize threat and maximize reward, which has implications for decision-making and problem-solving. 

When an individual or team experiences levels of threat, we know this impact on the capacity to think clearly and make good decisions. The threat response is mentally taxing and deadly to the productivity of a person or an organisation. It also impairs analytic thinking and creative insight.

On the other hand, we know that reward states are positive and support creativity and engagement, allowing people to make better assessments of risk.  Remember, however, that the brain likes everything to be just right. Too much reward can impact negatively on decision-making as our arousal increases beyond the point of optimal performance.

Think back to one of those days where you are performing a number of tasks at a high level. You might be in meetings all day having to concentrate. You might be in a training course or learning a new skill. Or you might be driving to an unfamiliar destination along a busy freeway.  All of these experiences take a large toll on your prefrontal cortex, which has limited capacity to work on ‘high alert’ during any given day. The more you use it for highly complex cognitive processing, the more quickly the ‘power’ within your brain drains.

Creative decision making usually requires both analysis and sudden out-of-the-box insight.

You may really end up toggling between the two, but I think that they are truly different brain states.At least, that is what brain-imaging studies are beginning to show. At first, such studies did little more than confirm that the process was happening as expected: brain areas that register reward spiked in activity when people came up with a solution, for instance.

Some of the suggested methods for improved decision making are

Reduce your stress levels

  High levels of stress create a lot of noise in the brain and inhibit our ability to have and hear creative insights.  Insights are the result of a very small number of distantly associated brain cells talking to each other.  To compare, deciding what to eat for breakfast involves millions of brain cells having a conversation with each other.  An insight only involves a few thousands of neurons talking to each other.  This is why we have them when our brains are quiet and activity level is low.  

 To illustrate, imagine you are hosting a party and a guest knocks at your front door, the music is blasting and you are out on your back deck enjoying conversation with other guests.  You will probably not hear the person knocking at your front door because the noise level is too high to hear the knock.  To be able to hear it, you would need to turn down the music.  It is a similar situation in our brains in that when anxiety levels go up, so does the noise level, making it very challenging to hear quiet signals coming to us from our non-conscious in the form of creative ideas.  The key is to keep yourself and others around you in a positive mood where anxiety and noise levels are low. 

Reboot your mind set 

An impasse is a block  or a dead lock in the thought process which does not seem to have a resolution.To overcome an impasse we have to experience a shift in perspective – a break in our mental set.  It is our natural tendency to project interpretations on to situations based on our past experiences.  Unfortunately, this hinders our ability to see a different perspective.  To illustrate this, let’s practice right now.

Say for instance you take A route for work every day .Imagine that you are  considering route B for tomorrow, write down the reasons you come up for taking up route A and not route B .Inspite of the valid reasons take route B the next day of course taking in consideration you do not get late for work. When you reach your office note down how many of the reasons were really valid and did you experience any anxiety or fear while taking route B. One of the biggest obstacles to breaking a mental set is analytic thinking, also known as rational thinking. Focusing on the problem and putting effort into finding the solution does not create the mental state conducive to having an insight. 

 Engaging in analysis with our rational brain constrains our ability to creatively solve an insight problem by further cementing a particular perspective or mental set and thus leading to hap hazard decisions.  This often disrupts the ability to see different perspectives. 

 Consider the discovery of the sticky note.  The glue that didn’t stick so well and seemed to have no value at all was considered a problem until someone broke their mental set and realized that a glue that didn’t stick that well could actually be a good thing.
Reconsider  

Sometimes if we want to experience creative solutions, we have to reconsider so that we can see the bigger picture.  A metaphor to illustrate this is seeing the forest instead of focusing on the trees.  Studies show that people are more able to make better decisions if they visualize or imagine themselves in the future solving their problem.   This promotes a form of reconsidering which results in the production of creative ideas. 

At this point we have strong circumstantial evidence that this resting state predicts how you make decisions later on and that it may in fact vary by individual. 

So if you try to make a decision after seeing a comedy movie the probability that the results will be favorable compared after seeing a horror or  an intense movie.

The punch line is that a good joke can move the brain toward just this kind of state. 

Early childhood brain development-Whats The science dude?

                    Radha was a software engineer and a perfectionist. She was  highly proficient  in her work and was appreciated by everyone with her problem solving skills and her dedication.She was very particular about any project she undertook. She would research the project in length and then after analyzing it, would give the appropriate solutions. She was working from home since the last 4 months as it was mutually decided  by the couple that she was not going to take stress .She was 6 months pregnant and was taking good care of her physical as well as mental health. She planned to get back to work after 3 months of pregnancy and she goes to the doctor to find out how she should manage the child after delivery  and get to work without having any negative effects on the child. She was confused as schooling starts after 3 years and wanted to know how she can nurture her child's early days.This is a very common dilemma of  majority of the working woman .The early childhood years are a period of rapid change in the brain. During early and middle childhood, the brain forms and refines a complex network of connections in the brain through synaptogenesis, pruning, and myelination.

 A child’s brain undergoes an amazing period of development from birth to three years—producing more than a million neural connections each second.
There has been an explosion of research over the past decade that shows how important the first few years of a child’s life are in terms of brain development. 

A newborn at birth has most of the brain cells that we will have for our entire life, but relatively little of the connections, the circuits among the different cells. What happens very, very rapidly is that the brain is building connections, it’s building synapses(connections).  A baby forms 700 new neural connections per second in the first years of life. This process of building the architecture of the brain is dramatically influence by life experiences. It is not genetically hardwired. Literally our environment shapes the architecture of our brain in the first year of life. This we term as neuroplasticity. 
The process of forming connections is biologically driven, but experiences also promote synapse formation. The brain produces many more synapses than it will ultimately use. Researchers describe this process as synaptic overproduction. This rapid synapse formation continues throughout early childhood.The process of myelination(covering of nerve fibres with myelin sheath so can process impulses faster) also continues during early childhood and is the major cause of the increase in a child's brain size.  In the first four years of life, the brain increases to 80% of its adult weight of 2.6 - 3.3 pounds (1200-1500 grams).

Pruning(eliminating unused nerve fibres) is a key process that shapes the brains of young children. Synaptic overproduction causes synapses to develop extremely rapidly. The pruning process refines these connections based on experience. Connections used regularly become stronger and more complex. Connections not used are considered non-essential, and the brain eventually prunes them away to increase efficiency.

As an example, an infant's brain has connections that allow her to hear sounds from all languages in the world. During the early years, the brain strengthens connections for sounds in the languages she hears regularly. Over time, the brain eliminates the connections for other sounds. This is why most adults have trouble distinguishing sounds that are not in our language.An infant's brain is dependent on responsiveness from adults. So all those adorable things that babies do right from the beginning -- coos, gurgles, sounds and smiles -- how an adult responds to those coos and gurgles help shape the brain circuitry. The first sound that a n newborn hears is the mothers voice which is the only familiar voice it hears on birth. This is the probable reason in adulthood when we hear our mothers voice it has a calming effect because of the strong connection.
The baby does something, the adult responds back. Vice versa. And it's the back and forth, the responsiveness, that shapes the brain circuits. We begin to see differences in the size of a child’s vocabulary as early as 18-24 months."These differences are not genetically hardwired. They're based in the differences in the kind of language environment and interactions the child grows up in.

Some of the core principles on which foundation of  brain development rest are

1.   Human development is shaped by a dynamic and continuous interaction between change in structure and experience.
2. Culture influences every aspect of human development and is reflected in child rearing beliefs and practices designed to promote healthy adaptation.

 3. The growth of self-regulation is a cornerstone of early childhood development that cuts across all domains of behavior.

4. Children are active participants in their own development, reflecting the intrinsic human drive to explore and master one's environment.

5. Human relationships, and the effects of relationships on relationships, are the building blocks of healthy development.

6. The broad range of individual differences among young children often makes it difficult to distinguish normal variations and maturational delays from transient disorders and persistent impairments.

7. The development of children unfolds along individual pathways whose trajectories are characterized by continuities and discontinuities, as well as by a series of significant transitions.

8. Human development is shaped by the ongoing interplay among sources of vulnerability and sources of resilience.

9. The timing of early experiences can matter, but, more often than not, the developing child remains vulnerable to risks and open to protective influences throughout the early years of life and into adulthood. 

10. The course of development can be altered in early childhood by effective interventions that change the balance between risk and protection, thereby shifting the odds in favor of more adaptive outcomes.
Early intervention is the most promising strategy to build the nation and form a compassionate and peaceful society  and is the need of the hour.

Radha left the doctors clinic with a firm resolution to dedicate as much as time possible and spending time with her to-be-born child at least for the first two years . 

“Nothing that happens early childhood is going to make a difference .”is not an acceptable statement after  findings of  scientific research on neuroplasticity and early childhood. 

Learning Mathematics a not so easy job -Whats the science dude?

Ramesh had got his result from school today .His summer vacations had just got over and the school had for some odd reasons a rule to announce their final results after the summer vacations .Ramesh had fun during his vacations and had promised his mother that he will study when the school starts.

Geeta ,Ramesh’s mother was very particular about his academics and was always in touch with his school teachers about his academic progress. She knew Ramesh was weak in mathematics and he did like the subject. He would run away whenever she tried to teach him maths.Probably the reason was that he spends most of his time reading story books or painting.Anyways she got him last year a professional math’s private tutor who would sit with him every day for one hour. She was sure there would be improvement in his scores.Ramesh disliked the teacher for obvious reasons. When Ramesh showed Geeta his marks she could not believe her eyes .His scores had only marginally improved from  50 , he had improved to 55.But surprisingly his English and Art marks had improved almost 20 percent as compared to last year.Geeta was perplexed how this had happened even after putting so much effort .

So let me try to explain how our brain works when we do maths.Mostly everyone knows that the term "dyslexia" refers to people who can't keep words and letters straight. A rarer term is "dyscalculia," which describes someone who is virtually unable to deal with numbers, much less do complicated math. Scientists now have discovered the area of the brain linked to dyscalculia, demonstrating that there is a specific part of the brain essential for counting properly.

The idea that mathematical skills reside only on the left part of the brain proved to be a myth. In reality, in most activities, the entire brain is used at all times. Mathematical thinking entails complex brain functions, interconnected to perform even the simplest of functions. For example, you may use the right parietal lobe to get close to a mathematical solution; however, to get the right answer, the left hemisphere further processes your solution

The right hemisphere matures before the left hemisphere for most cognitive skills, such as numerical understanding or appreciating quantities.

 According to scientists, both types of numerical knowledge employ parts of both the parietal and prefrontal cortex in adults.

Creative mathematical ability involves discovering multiple solutions to a problem or solving real world problems. Scientists affirm that highly gifted creative mathematical thinkers employ extensively the parietal and frontal areas on both parts of the brain. Studies on Einstein’s brain proved that regions of his right parietal area were so dense with neurons that one of the major cortical indentations (IPS) was actually filled in completely and difficult to locate . The intraparietal sulcus (IPS) region is activated when a person thinks of numbers or does math. The inferior frontal gyrus known as Broca’s language area, is responsible for expressive language, such as speaking or writing.

 Another area, known as Wernicke’s language area is responsible for understanding spoken or written language. Recent studies have shown that Broca’s plays a large part in understanding syntax in addition to forming it.

All of these areas appear in the dominant hemisphere (side) of the brain, which in 97% of the population is the left side.

Geometry is associated with visual-spatial representations – analysis of space, shape, points, lines, angles, surfaces, and configuration, etc, which are activated in the right cerebral hemisphere - the right parietal and frontal areas of the brain, to be more specific. 

You would need the synchronization of eight separate parts of the brain for the different arithmetic operations. 

For example, for identifying written digits, you activate the left and right visual cortices. 

For understanding quantities – the left and right parietal cortices . 

To solve word problems – the left temporal cortex and

 for complex mathematical reasoning – the left and right frontal areas.

Imagine how you really pick the shortest checkout line.You could count the number of shoppers in each line, in which case you'd be thinking discretely in terms of numerosity.

But if you're a hurried shopper, you probably take a quick glance at each line and pick the one that seems the shortest. In this case you're thinking in terms of continuous quantity. The two modes of thinking are so similar but the difference lies in the way your brain executes the function. For kids who find it difficult learning math’s the first method is a better option. Rather than hurrying into answering the mathematical problem Understanding,analysing and then calculating seems to be more prudent solution .

As for Geeta she accepted the fact that her child was able to paint and read much better than arithmetic problems and she stopped pressurizing Ramesh for mathematics rather encouraged him to take his own time and solve the maths problem to the best of his abilities. 

Law of attraction a myth or reality- Whats the science dude?

It was a wet Sunday Morning and Rahul had decided  to take a total break from work. He was due for this as he had just finished his project for which he had toiled his heart  and soul by working day and night since the last one month. He had planned for a long drive with his beautiful wife and daughter to Lonavala Ghats (a small hill station close to Mumbai, India). He got up by the clattering sound of the rain falling on his roof which instantly gave him a smile. He realized that it was going to be a beautiful weather and things were magically working out exactly the way he had planned. He woke everyone up and much to his surprise, within half an hour everyone was in the car on the way to a beautiful day ahead. They were in such high spirits that they started singing songs and cracking jokes. As they started reaching closer to their destination, there was huge traffic on the Ghat which was moving at a snails pace. There was constant honking by the fellow travelers which was irritating Rahul.  It was almost an hour and Rahul started getting annoyed, blaming the government, people,cars and police for this mismanagement .Suddenly the mood became tense in the car and the couple almost decided that they will turn back rather than wasting their Sunday in traffic. Except his 7 year old daughter who was listening to music all the while the couple was really getting annoyed. 

Then a young girl Babita aged 19 who was selling toys on the road came up to them and told them that they were lucky as this traffic was there since last night and only now had started moving. God had blessed their family with grace and kindness unlike her who was an orphan and  she did not have a family. Still she was happy as hot summers had finally got over and she did not like hot weather .She wished good luck for them and requested them to buy some soft toy as a memoir of this beautiful day they plan to spend together. Rahul who normally shooed of these road side sellers, suddenly felt overwhelmed with happiness and an urge to buy a soft toy as remembrance to this beautiful moment. He looked at the girl who was dressed in dirty Salwar Kamiz(dress worn by Indian girls) but her face was markedly filled with happiness which was infectious. He bought 3 soft toys from her ,one for each of them and shared some food packets they had bought along.Suddenly all the irritation and anger which had accumulated in him disappeared and they had a great day in spite of  getting stuck in traffic one hour post their encounter with the girl.

The law of attraction is the attractive, magnetic power of the Universe that draws similar energies together. It manifests through the power of creation, everywhere and in many ways. Even the law of gravity is part of the law of attraction. This law attracts thoughts, ideas, people, situations and circumstances. The happiness ,the little girl exhibited had an effect on  Rahul’s brain pathway which rewired the negative thoughts ‘the dominant the traffic snarl’ to positive thoughts.Suddenly from a happy mood in the morning to anger and irritation due to traffic and then back to happiness, the long journey is an essential part of everyone’s life. We can all co relate this to some incident in our life .Why this happens and what are the changes which take place in our highly complex brain can be explained with the recent development in Neuroscience, Neuroplasticity and Neurophysics .

Ralph Trine wrote in In Tune With The Infinite (1897):

"The law of attraction works universally on every plane of action, and we attract whatever we desire or expect. If we desire one thing and expect another, we become like houses divided against themselves, which are quickly brought to desolation. Determine resolutely to expect only what you desire, then you will attract only what you wish for". 

To simplify it ,I will try to explain first  the anatomical structure and functioning of the brain. The brain can be divided for the sake of understanding into its  physical structure,neurochemicals and  electrical impulses. I will try to briefly explain which part gets activated in  the above incident and then why it happened so.

All of us agree these high paced emotional turmoils are a common phenomenon in most of the  lives of people .The part of the brain responsible for firing of emotions is an almond shaped structure called amygdala which develops from two years of birth and is responsible for firing of the emotions .Another brain structure of importance in this scenario is the Nucleus Accumbens which is also known as the reward center and is the one responsible for feeling happy by activating the reward circuit. This was the center which was activated what  Rahul experienced in the morning and when Babita spoke to him. The Nucleus Accumbens is the one responsible for secreting dopamine which is the neurochemical responsible for happiness(positivity) and activates the reward circuit. 

Similarly when the amygdala gets fired when Rahul was angry .The brain releases the GABA  (gamma amino butyric acid) and serotonin which is a inhibitory neurochemical responsible for negative emotions. It gives us a negative aspect of the situation  and too much of GABA and reduced levels of serotonin  leads to depression.This forms the basis of pharmacological treatment of depresion.
The way our brain has been conditioned due to the genetic predisposition of our ancestors has resulted it in been naturally bias to negative inputs .However a word of caution ,these were necessary for survival. For example when we are walking in a dark forest and we come across some long twigs, this negative bias is responsible for our mind to think that there may be a snake which protects us from the coming danger. But the same pathway also gets active when we are stuck in traffic what we call in today's world as stress. Also these messages are quickly send along the neurons (wires in the brain through the synapses(gaps between neurons where a neurochemical is released. These impulses create an image in our mind which is our perception depending upon on what we believe on the given situation formed by these neurochemicals.

So coming to the law of attraction where like poles attract and opposite  repel. One explanation is given by discovery of Mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are created by an individual  by replicating the same circuit which is present in the opposite person as perceived by our special senses (eyes,ears,skin,smell) .What Rahul got irritated by constant honking or his wife got irritated by creating these mirror neurons  on seeing Rahul's irritation are examples how mirror neurons are formed. These can be explained when huge rallies by political speaker suddely lead to violence by inflammatory speeches used by them .The mechanism responsible is that the brain creates images in our mind  and these  are replicated in the opposite persons mind. The only thing to ponder is the speed with which the mind can create these mirror images.

The other explanation is given by the quantum theory of physics about electromagnetic effect of individual atom. Similarly, since each cell is made of atom having positive and negative charge they have a  field of electron around them .When driven by powerful emotions(highly charged emotions)  these circuits create the same or opposing  alignment in opposite person’s circuit which creates  a  response. Hence,Emotions are infectious and being positive  and having an optimist approach to lives are some of the solutions  given by elders and renowned psychologists  to the caretakers when dealing with a case of depression.

Another factor responsible is the part of the brain called OrbitoFrontal prefrontal  Cortex (OFC)l lobe also known as the social brain. Humans right from birth have a craving for social interactions starting from the smile and cuddling by the mother. Every human being craves for this basic need like food,water and shelter and is often under estimated as we become adults. In our desires to achieve success and pursuit for our goals we tend to overlook this basic need. Children who have a disturbed childhood tend to be emotionally disturbed as compared to the other kids. Although they have a desire for more affectionate relationships, the poor social skills learnt because of a disturbed childhood tends to create unstable relationships. Such kids create these mirror neurons right from the early age and are very difficult to overcome in adulthood.These are learned at a very tender age and form the basis of relationship in adulthood.

The world is moving today from what was a technological revolution to  an over driven and highly overworked socio emotional complex circuits in our brain. The basic understanding of the laws of attraction is the first step towards untangling  the complex and jumbled up brain pathways which is  leading to an  impulsive and over reactive society.

Provocateur Leadership and Design Thinking -Catalysts of change for the default Future

The adverse and abnormal VUCA(Volatility,Uncertaininty,Complexity and Ambiguity) reality is an obvious phenomenon in the corporate world but it is followed by period of exponential growth. Neither the VUCA times nor the following period of exponential market growth that heralds the new paradigm, follow or observe any known patterns of behaviours, systems or leadership. It seeks different and new style in leadership. 

The idea that marginal enhancements in the style and efficiency of leadership will not be able to sustain itself in the new paradigm. It calls for what thinkers call –Provocateur Leadership.

Darwins law of survival of the fittest has been engraved in our hard wired minds.It also opens up to the theory of following the classical path as opposed to create your own path.When you require someone to do something because of prescribed rules - what you do is labelled as classical. When you however expect to move your consciousness as well as that of others to take initiatives in the zone of leadership to manage the new and the unprecedented reality, what you get as a result of that is provocateur in Leadership !!!

Classical leaders either transform themselves into Provocateur Leaders or they slip down into the obscurity and silence of the graveyard of their careers.

For a classical leader to transition and lead in the post turbulance times, requires the Provocateur Leader to be guided by four guiding norms...its called Provocateurship. 

•  Provocateurs Intention
•  Provocateurs Awareness
•  Provocateurs FDI
•  Provocateurs Create  Provocateurs

 Provocateurship begins with conscious Intention which represents the innermost core of the leaders purpose, values, desires and motivation. Collectively, this garners the energy required to manage any change effort. Rightly said Charles de Gaulle ..."nothing great will ever be achieved without great men, and men are great only if they are determined to be so !". It represents desire of the leader to enter the arena of vulnerabilities and risk in new times and inspire others to follow him to action. Remember MALIA...? Most Aspirational Leaders Inspire Action. Provocateur leaders have that intention to lead and inspire action.

 Provocateurs Awareness. Provocateur Paradigm operates on an assumption that awareness illuminates and thus creates reality. People tend to gravitate towards what they tend to focus on. Provocateur Leaders channelise their awareness to what is relevant, fully in the direction of the problems and possibilities in the new paradigm.

 Provocateurs FDI. Provocateur Leaders have the distinct ability to focus and read the dynamic environment, evaluate the list of alternatives and thereafter discriminate between options available in the unchartered reality to chalk-out a path that what will be new, innovative and would make a cutting edge difference in the new paradigm.Provocateurs have a knack of getting insights using these discriminations finding out of box solutions. This is called the FDI(focus,dissectionand Insight)model.Thus Design Thinking naturally become the aspirational tool and method of the Provocateur leaders.

 Provocateurs Create  Provocateurs. Provocateur leaders are action heroes of new times. They quickly exhort the phantom of old action and act as catatlyst to their teams to form innovative patterns for new action. They inspire their teams to focus on Solutions rather than discussing Problems. Provocateur leaders are captains mandated to navigate their Ships through turbulent seas to new safe shores. They create leaders who inspire the same and creates a never ending chain of provocateurs .Whilst having a correct navigating plan is very necessary to reach safe shores, it has no value if subsequently discovered on a sunk ship ! Provocateur leaders inspire collective leadership rather than individual heroism.

Provocateur Leaders are ordinary men who have the inner zeal to look at the default future differently and chalk their way out to new shores.

5 Phrases All Parents Must Avoid

The truth is we are all human and we all make mistakes. However, to a child’s mind its parents are something A LOT more than just a human. They are its creators, its caretakers, its guardians, and they’ve lived here before it was even born. They are the only thing we are familiar with in the midst of this vast unknown. That’s the reason why what parents do and how they behave becomes a crucial part of their children’s psyche.

If they are angry most of the time they speak to us, if they are harsh and cold if they shout and yell whenever we do something wrong, that’s how we’ll deal with ourselves whenever we make a mistake. But as we said, we are all human, we make mistakes and that’s ok. The way you approach the mistakes is how you learn and overcome them.

NEVER USE THESE 5 PHRASES WHEN TALKING TO YOUR CHILD:

1. “YOU ARE WORTHLESS!”

This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval of. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never-ending journey to seek approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.

There are so many things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”

2. “STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW!”

Usually, when a kid does something it knows will be punished for they start crying. But even though there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right in the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly programming your child to suppress its emotions.

Instead, you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweety, it’s ok to show how you feel. But that doesn’t make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.

3. “I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!”

Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”

4. “YOU ARE NOT [SOMETHING] ENOUGH!”

By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”

5. “BIG BOYS/GIRLS DON’T GET SCARED!”

First of all, why are you lying to your kid? You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared, buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside of you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”

Live in the present moment

Imagine you had a bank account that deposited $86,400 each morning. The account carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every dollar each day!

We all have such a bank. Its name is Time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever time you have failed to use wisely. It carries over no balance from day to day. It allows no overdraft so you can’t borrow against yourself or use more time than you have. Each day, the account starts fresh. Each night, it destroys an unused time. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, it’s your loss and you can’t appeal to get it back.

There is never any borrowing time. You can’t take a loan out on your time or against someone else’s. The time you have is the time you have and that is that. Time management is yours to decide how you spend the time, just as with money you decide how you spend the money. It is never the case of us not having enough time to do things, but the case of whether we want to do them and where they fall in our priorities. Be mindful and live in the present moment