5 Phrases All Parents Must Avoid

The truth is we are all human and we all make mistakes. However, to a child’s mind its parents are something A LOT more than just a human. They are its creators, its caretakers, its guardians, and they’ve lived here before it was even born. They are the only thing we are familiar with in the midst of this vast unknown. That’s the reason why what parents do and how they behave becomes a crucial part of their children’s psyche.

If they are angry most of the time they speak to us, if they are harsh and cold if they shout and yell whenever we do something wrong, that’s how we’ll deal with ourselves whenever we make a mistake. But as we said, we are all human, we make mistakes and that’s ok. The way you approach the mistakes is how you learn and overcome them.

NEVER USE THESE 5 PHRASES WHEN TALKING TO YOUR CHILD:

1. “YOU ARE WORTHLESS!”

This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval of. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never-ending journey to seek approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.

There are so many things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”

2. “STOP CRYING RIGHT NOW!”

Usually, when a kid does something it knows will be punished for they start crying. But even though there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right in the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly programming your child to suppress its emotions.

Instead, you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweety, it’s ok to show how you feel. But that doesn’t make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.

3. “I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!”

Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”

4. “YOU ARE NOT [SOMETHING] ENOUGH!”

By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”

5. “BIG BOYS/GIRLS DON’T GET SCARED!”

First of all, why are you lying to your kid? You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared, buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside of you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”

Live in the present moment

Imagine you had a bank account that deposited $86,400 each morning. The account carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every dollar each day!

We all have such a bank. Its name is Time. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever time you have failed to use wisely. It carries over no balance from day to day. It allows no overdraft so you can’t borrow against yourself or use more time than you have. Each day, the account starts fresh. Each night, it destroys an unused time. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, it’s your loss and you can’t appeal to get it back.

There is never any borrowing time. You can’t take a loan out on your time or against someone else’s. The time you have is the time you have and that is that. Time management is yours to decide how you spend the time, just as with money you decide how you spend the money. It is never the case of us not having enough time to do things, but the case of whether we want to do them and where they fall in our priorities. Be mindful and live in the present moment

"Fear of Failure" our biggest enemy in disguise

As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.

He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.”

The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.

Like the elephants, how many of us go through life hanging onto a belief that we cannot do something, simply because we failed at it once or twice before?
If you are not ready to fail you can never create or innovate.

Failure is the stepping stone to success.

How mindfulness can help kids to transit from a vacation to classroom

Have you ever read a book and realised you have no idea what you've just read?

This is a classic case of not being in the moment, but it can be overcome with the regular practice of mindfulness.

Many families are easing the transition from holidays to school routines by practising mindfulness, the modern meditation technique of quietening the mind and bringing attention to the present.

Jon Korbat Zin n says mindfulness is basically awareness and paying attention to being in the moment. 

Living without awareness is like living with the lights turned off and not being able to see what's ahead of us — what he calls a state of mindlessness as opposed to mindfulness.

"You're there in person, but your mind is elsewhere. We trip over ourselves and it's hard to plan and move with purpose,"

The benefits of mindfulness include improved attention and memory, reduced stress and better health. It can even lower disruptive and bullying behaviour in schools.

Helping kids be in the moment

There are two key reasons mindfulness is so important for kids.

"Firstly when we're not mindful it is very easy to slip into worry mode and get anxious about the future or the past. Our thinking becomes vulnerable to worry and rumination," he said.

"Kids who are getting anxious about school are often worrying about a future that hasn't happened."

HHow to be mindful

• Don't multi-task: focus on what you are doing at any one the time
• Avoid distraction: practise being in the present moment
• Limit screen time especially social media and gaming
• Practise regularly until it becomes a habit

The other key reason for kids to practice mindfulness is that if a child cannot engage their attention effectively they will not learn well.

"Children who have a poor ability to engage and sustain attention at four are 50 per cent less likely to graduate from college at 25."

The greatest  enemies of mindfulness are multi-tasking and distraction, by-products of too much screen time, particularly in children.

School going students who have a few minutes of mindfulness practice prior to a class will understand more and retain more information, and are more likely to engage with their study right across the board.

Making minds think

Often there isn't much structure during the school holidays. There can be a lot of stimulation

"Going back into a classroom setting with new kids and perhaps new teachers is absolutely a time to practise mindfulness.

Recent research shows practising mindfulness provides kids with the capability to make better decisions and provides self-awareness.

"We found after practising mindfulness there were big improvements in the quality of kids' sleep, improvements in behaviour and engagement at school, as well as children's safety at school."

"Teachers reported their classrooms were much less disruptive and there was less bullying."

Putting it into practice

There are two main ways you can practice mindfulness.

Formal practice is taking the time to sit and meditate in a quiet space, closing eyes and using techniques to focus on the breath or scan attention over the body.

Informal practice is what we do throughout the day as we go about our lives — making a coffee, washing dishes, eating, or walking from A to B — while being mindful of our actions, paying attention to them, and not being on auto-pilot.

The best thing parents can do to help children adopt mindfulness is to commit to the practice themselves.

The more present and mindful you are with your children, the more happy, mindful and resilient they will be. 

Parents make it fun, and practice as regularly as possible until it becomes part of a family's weekly or daily routine.

Why be mindful

In a forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth.

She finds a remote grass field near a strong-flowing river.

This seems a safe place.

Suddenly labour pains begin.

At the same moment, dark clouds gather around above & lightning starts a forest fire.

She looks to her left & sees a hunter with his bow extended pointing at her.

To her right, she spots a hungry lion approaching her.

What can the pregnant deer do?

She is in labour!

What will happen?

Will the deer survive?

Will she give birth to a fawn?

Will the fawn survive?

Or will everything be burnt by the forest fire?

Will she perish to the hunters’ arrow?

Will she die a horrible death at the hands of the hungry lion approaching her?

She is constrained by the fire on the one side & the flowing river on the other & boxed in by her natural predators.

What does she do?

She focuses on giving birth to a new life.

The sequence of events that follows are:

- Lightning strikes & blinds the hunter.

- He releases the arrow which zips past the deer & strikes the hungry lion.

- It starts to rain heavily, & the forest fire is slowly doused by the rain.

- The deer gives birth to a healthy fawn.

In our life / business too, there are moments of choice when we are confronted on αll sides with negative thoughts and possibilities.

Some thoughts are so powerful that they overcome us & overwhelm us.

Maybe we can learn from the deer.

The priority of the deer, in that given moment, was simply to give birth to a baby.

The rest was not in her hands & any action or reaction that changed her focus would have likely resulted in death or disaster.

Ask yourself,

Where is your focus?

Focus should always remain on being in the present moment... Be mindful

4 Monks teaching the secret to success

*The Silent Retreat*

Four monks decided to meditate silently without speaking for two weeks. They began with enthusiasm and no one said a word the whole day. By nightfall of the first day, the candle began to flicker and then went out.

The first monk blurted out, "Oh, no! The candle is out."

The second monk said, "Hey! We are not supposed to speak!"

The third monk said in an irritated voice, "What is this? Why did you two break the silence?"

The fourth monk smiled and said, "Wow! I'm the only one who hasn't spoken."

~~~

Reflections:

Each monk broke the silence for a different reason, each of which is a common stumbling block in our inner journey. The first monk got distracted by one aspect of his experience (the candle) and forgot what was more important - *the practice of witnessing without reacting.* The second monk was more worried about others following the rules than in actually practicing himself. The third monk let his anger towards the first two monks affect him. And the fourth monk lost his way because of pride.

Why did the fourth monk speak at all? He could have simply maintained his silence and he would have been successful in his endeavor. But if he had, chances are, the other three might have continued to argue and not even noticed his silence. Some people are like this. Their motto is "If I'm doing something good, but no one notices, I might as well not be doing it at all." They believe that the reward is not in the effort, but in the recognition.

There is a beautiful quote, "It is the provence of knowledge to speak; it is the privilege of wisdom to listen." *As we learn to truly listen, witness and observe without impulsively reacting with distraction, judgement, anger and pride, then we understand the true meaning of silence.*

Mindfulness in Political Turmoils in Todays World as in Year 2017

          It was not a routine Sunday  for Ravi an engineer working in an esteemed corporate company. He had been preparing for this day since the last 3 months. This was the only time he was going to spend after a good long 17 years with his school friends.He was excited to meet them and share his highly successful journey of 17 years.It gives you ultimate satisfaction when you are appreciated by people who know you since the time you have learned how to tie shoe laces. It was also special since he had just cracked on  an impossible deal with a Japanese company after a real stressful 3 months.

As soon as he saw his mates, he got nostalgic of the times spend in the good old days.Each one spoke about their achievements, their analysis and their journeys in the last 17 years. Ravi just couldn't believe that he was actually reconnecting with those chaps and realized that he should have met sooner before.Anyways as they sat for lunch in the afternoon, cracking jokes about their teachers and principal,the conversation shifted to the an activist turned political leader "Maku" who was in the news recently.

 Most of his Friends started making fun of "Maku" and laughing at everything, his clothes, his speech to his personal life. It was very evident to Ravi that most of his Friends were supporting the  leader of the rival party. He felt an uneasiness and uncomfortable sensation in his heart but he decided to not to get into the conversation for his own mental peace. He was happy that the discussion was shifting back to girlfriends and the time they spent on college campus. Usually this an area where most of the middle age men get highly charged up discussing about the love life,their Ex and their breakups. 

One of his Friends suddenly  passed  a comment that "Maku" must be so lousy and impotent in his college days that he must have hired people to make his wife pregnant. This was the breaking point for Ravi. He could not control the explosion in his mind. He lost his mind and said something obnoxious to his friend about his personal life.Suddenly the mood in the room became very serious .What started as a friendly conversation became a ferocious argument between friends.
Ravi lost his mind and slapped the guy who had passed the comment. He could feel the anger in him growing more as others were hurling abuses at him. He picked up an ash tray and threw at them. It hit one of his Friends and he immediately lost his consciousness . Ravi couldn't believe what he had done. Cops were called and his friend was hospitalized. Ravi was convicted and found guilty and was sentenced to 6 months of imprisonment. People who knew him told that this was the first time Ravi had ever hit anyone , got in a quarrel oreven raised his voice.
          This has become a common scenario which we have been witnessing of late, not only on news channels but also in clubs and parks.Although not all issues end up with a brawl but definitely create distances in relationships ,all in the name of politics.It is really suprising how in the last  few years people have raging emotions for politicians and political parties where they forget their own personal relationship and come out with daggers if you dare speak something about a politician or at times even their policies.
            Let us try to understand why this kind of responses from the not so agressive people or people who werent so actively following politics like Ravi.Political parties and politicians were doing the same agressive and inflammatory campaigns in the past also but they failed to invoke such reactions from people.What has changed in todays world that has led to this kinda behaviour from people globally.
One of the reasons is the frustration because of the slowing economy leading  to unemployment and on the otherside there is growing greed  and competitiveness for more and more materialistic acquisitions.One thing we have  to accept that inspite of technological advances which were supposed to ease out peoples lives,it became counterproductive and has started creating more stress and indivisuals with charged up nervous systems. Everyone seems to me too obsessed to prove  a point and rather than accepting the present moment.They live most of the times either  in the past or the unseen future.
     These gives these politicians or parties the fodder to infuse in our minds and manipulate and evoke these unbelievable responses from people.Inflammatory speeches,personal attacks and absurd illogical reasoning seems to be the norm of the day.
Mind it!It is not the fault of the politician of the day.They are speaking what  people want.The ones who are winning are better connected to the peoples wishes and desires. The problem arises when we start judging the political leader or their rival.The negativity in any political campaigns is evident and people and their relationships get dragged into these mindless conversations.People come all out ,in their leaders defense and fight for them or criticise them for simply satisfying their ego.
Politicians are successful in creating a divide amongst the mass and make use of this divide to the fullest.They can easily bring in policies which suits  to their needs and advantage.People fight for people whom they have never met or have any direct experience but start judging them and at times hating or loving them to the core.When indivisual voices become group, then a mob ,it leads to bullying serving the purpose of any politician or governing head.
What actually is the matter of concern it affects the mind of people with negativity and seeps into their relationship.This nature of judging people on basis of half truth is not only dangerous but also harmful for any nation.
Mindfulness is living in the present moment.Extensive research has shown that it has a positive effect on prefrontal lobe of the brain and enhances its function.Prefrontal lobe  is responsible for the regulation  and control of  emotions  like anger,sadness irked by amydala which is the centre of emotions.In lay mans terms, mindfulness makes you smarter and gives you a moment to think before reacting to any given situation.Mindfulness has been used extensively in many fields ranging from medicine, education,corporate world  for its benefits.
Mindfulness makes you realise the folly of getting so overattached or involved with the manipulations by politicians and media at large.When you come in the present moment you realise what judgements you are making of the politician( pre or post elections) are based on the views presented  in the media or the rival which will fuel only negative sentiments.It makes you realise that any judgement is not based on one on one conversation or direct scrutiny of the work done by the politician.
Also the next question arises if the politician has not much of work to show ,it becomes even more easier for the rival to manipulate your views about him.Practicising mindfulness also makes you realise that in a democracy what matters is the number supporting any views by the politician whether you like them or not.Anyone practising mindfulness knows views that are forced or manipulated do not last for long and has a limited life. People want to live in harmony  with each other irrespective of their desire to suceed at large.
           So being mindful of the moment makes the person respect as well as form an opinion non judgementally about people who contradict them in their self interest.Even if there is disagreement as it happens many a times,there is still an options to protest in democracy without actually having to evoke emotions of dissapointment,anger or frustration.Mindfulness practice makes it easier for you to come at terms with the turmoils of the changing political scenarios and forming opinions which are not influenced or forced by anyone.Also it gives the person a sacred pause where he decides how to react to a given situation which may not be agreeable to him.His reactions takes into consideration about the present which involves the people whom he is talking to and what relationship they are sharing.For instance he can think about protesting or writing blogs rather than fighting with people verbally or venting out the dissapointment.Overall practicing mindfulness makes you a bit selfish about mantaining the homeostasis(calmness) in your mind inspite of the political turmoils.
A mindful person knows that in democracy there may be many leaders good  or bad but the power ultimately rests with the people so why waste time in reacting !
(Disclaimer:the author does not have any affiliations to any political party and gives as neutral position as possible)