Unhappy People: The Things They Do to us and How to Deal with Them

We have all had come across an unhappy individual at some point in our lives who have stung us with their negative thoughts. Sometimes it simply creates havoc in our lives. Unsatisfied people are drawn to the sensible ones and I am sure every one of us has likely had (or have) at least one irritating person in our lives who have forced us into changing ourselves in endless attempts to please them – only to realize that it is an endless circle.

What makes them so toxic? Their past experiences, their judgmental attitude, their negative approach or simply their sadist nature. It is seen that most of these people are suffering from some psychological disorder which is undiagnosed and we are trying to understand them. It becomes all the more important to identify these individual so we can deal with them more maturely and not get driven into self-guilt.

Their strengths lie in their subtlety and the way they can make you believe so cunningly for every fault, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can make you question your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If in a relationship you’re the one who’s continually hurt or the one who is constantly changing your own behavior to avoid being hurt, then the probabilities are more than the problem is not you and it is not much you can do except not get drawn into the toxicities.

Like I said being able to pick up their harmful behavior is the first step to blunting their impact. You may not be able to change what they do, but you can surely change what you do with it, deal with that unhappy sulking individual and stop them from ruining away your mental peace and get away with it.

There are a number of things these people do to manipulate others and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will alert you to avoid falling under the influence:

1.      They will love to keep you in a fix about what they really are.

They’ll be nice one day and the next day you’ll be actually guessing what you’ve done to upset them. Most of the time, there wouldn’t be anything obvious that could explain the change of attitude – you will get the gut feeling that something isn’t right. They might be irritable, unhappy, cold or cranky and when you ask them, if there’s something wrong, the answer will always be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll hint you just enough to make you realize that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might either be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. The moment this happens, you will find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to please them. See why it works for them?

Stop trying to make them happy. Unhappy people have figured out a long time ago that most people will go out of their ways to keep the people, they care about happy. If your repeated attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Leave it for a while and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have unknowingly hurt someone, ask them, talk about it and if required, apologize. Under any circumstances, you shouldn’t have to guess and be gullible to this traumatizing experience.

    They’ll make you prove yourself to them.

They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. At times just out of sympathy. Unhappy people will wait until you have committed, then they’ll unfold the drama.  ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’  The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.

 They love to manipulate.

If you have felt as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Unhappy people have a way of sending out the vibe/the signals that you owe them something. They also have strange ways to manipulate that you are responsible and you need to change even if the fault lies in them. This is very common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is an ever-changing phenomenon.. ‘I’ve left those reports for you’. I thought you’d appreciate the gesture and make use of the opportunity to learn your way around making the report. Remember it is a favor and I had to learn the hard way’ Or, ‘I’m having a get to gather tonight. Why don’t you bring dinner? For 10 people. It’ll give you an opportunity to show of favor cooking skills and make new contacts?’

Remember! You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favor to you, then probably it’s not. 

They will never own their feelings.

Instead of owning up and speaking up about their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called dumping, as in dumping their feelings and thoughts onto you. For instance, someone who is irritated but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being irritated with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me around or Am I irritating you?’ or a bit more specific, ‘Why are you irritated me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a foul mood all day.’

You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Bring clarity to your mind. What’s yours and what’s theirs. When you start feeling that you’re defending yourself too many times against lame accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being dumped on to.
Remember, You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation.

They hate to and will never apologize. 

They’ll lie before they ever apologize, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and reframe it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own version.

People don’t have to apologize to be proven wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just let go and move forward – without them. Never surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.

They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.

They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of hard work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made the best worker– ‘Well the Company is just trying to please you and I’m pretty sure they will exploit you.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen your spirit or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.

 They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline or simply disappear.

They won’t pick up your call. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same.

Remember People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.

8. They’ll use sweet words with a toxic tone.

The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.

They’ll bring unnecessary details into a conversation.

When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, unhappy people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them. 

 They’ll point out the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.

You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way you belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.

Unhappy people exaggerate.

‘You always …’ ‘you never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.

Unhappy people are judgemental.

We all get it wrong sometimes but unhappy people will make sure you know about it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re inferior because you erred. We’re all allowed to get it wrong at many occasions in our day to day life, but until we’ve done something that harms them or affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgment.

Knowing the favorite signs for unhappy people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of the individual, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.

You need to lock it in your mind, some people can’t be pleased and they won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary craziness. Believe in yourself . Be confident and own up your mess, your bluffs and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s certificate but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s because probably because they need your approval. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high and get driven into it. If you are the unhappy dude, it’s time to realize these things don’t get you anywhere. They simply make yours and others life miserable. Happiness increase with sharing and so does unhappiness

Automation Of Thoughts in the World of Machines

We are evolving by every minute and the last decade has seen mind-blowing leap in technology, much beyond our imagination and will continue to do so.  

One of the reasons behind the newer inventions of our today’s world is algorithms. We can almost feel their presence—that somewhere far away, we’re interacting with a machine. Many users (approx. 60 percent), according to the best research, are completely unaware of its existence. But does it really matter to them? The answer is no. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have so many people glued to mobile phones.

Going deep into the effects of algorithm and the space it occupies in our lives today, try to imagine one of those earliest computers with its nervously blinking lights and long rows of dials. To tweak the algorithm, the engineers turn the knob, as they  continuously try to make small adjustments, here and there, so that the machine performs to their satisfaction. However, there was always something lacking.

But how do the engineers of today know which dial to twist and how much without actually being present all the time? There’s a whole discipline created in today’s world which was unheard when I was a kid, data science, to guide the writing and revision of algorithms. This makes a few individuals control the behavior and experience of thousands of people.

Although, we’re in the earliest days of this revolution, of course. But we can see where it’s heading.

Imagine, algorithms replicating the process of creativity, then there will be hardly any reason to nurture human creativity. Why would the next generation bother with the tortuous, inefficient process of writing or painting, if a machine can create something seemingly as good and in a painless flash?

The result being, we are having fewer people in manufacturing plants and warehouses now, even though their capacities and production rates are rising.

 Again in the near future, we will have lesser and lesser drivers on the road as “cars and trucks begin to drive themselves”.

And believe it or not, we will have lesser and lesser last mile delivery jobs as drones start to do them more efficiently and cheaply.

This has been a ‘hot potato’ in the news in the last couple of years as more and more people are worried and threatened at the thought that in a couple of decades, many jobs will be overtaken by machine, leaving 3/4th of the world’s population with no meaningful way to earn a living. Some call it “Artificial Intelligence”

But there is another angle and a deeper impact of the above automations which we are missing.

Should we bother about the automation of machines? Does it have any effect on our thought process?

I have already explained the empty space created in the brain from solving arithmetic problems to decision making which is being taken over by the machines. This has created more scope for automaton of thought which instead of utilizing the human brain's uniqueness and creativity goes into automation of thoughts.

Let me give you an example.

When I was a child, I would go to the library and look among hundreds of books to pick one that I would read for the day. But now, the moment I’m done reading one, I already have a recommendation (which is pretty good by the way) for what I ought to read next. This happens with books I read, the music I listen to, the clothes I buy, the  plays and movies I watch, the dates I go on, the food I order, the restaurants I visit,  the places I travel to, etc.

Since the early days of my life, I always had an excellent memory (probably still do). I would remember and recollect friend’s birthdays and phone numbers. I used to remember a lot of the things like the stories I read and could easily quote from books I read. Now most of them are automated and I do not need to trouble my mind anymore. All I need is an Internet connection.

When I was a kid, I used to be really good with arithmetic calculations (probably still am). I could multiply big numbers in a matter of seconds and could solve difficult math problems without writing down a thing. Now, all that has been automated and I don’t need it anymore. All I need is a computing device.

What jobs are best suited for us, who should be our friends, what food we should eat, whom we should date, what we should do on weekends, are all served up to us as recommendations by effective and highly sophisticated engines?

The result being, a lot of our thoughts and our choices have been automated. Well, you might be thinking you are still in control as to which of the recommendations you click on and watch. Think again!

A lot of analysis has gone into deciding what choices are presented in what contexts and what positions, so that you are most likely to pick them.

In that sense, you still make a choice, because the algorithms are personalized to cater to your tastes. But that choice is now automated.

The engineering mindset has little patience for the manic obsession of words and images, for the mystique of art, for morality and emotional intelligence. This kind of mindset only views humans as data, components of systems, abstractions. With this kind of cold-blooded thinking, so divorced from the uniqueness and mystery of human life, it’s easy to understand for anyone ,how long-standing values  have suddenly begun to seem like an annoyance—why a term  like privacy carries so little weight in the engineer’s dictionary, why  publishing and journalism seem so imminently disruptive  and biased.

So, one thing is absolutely clear that algorithms are meant to erode free will, to alleviate mankind of the burden of choosing, to push them to think in a particular direction. Algorithms bring in the creator a sense of omnipotence, the condescending belief that our behavior can be altered, without our even being aware of the hand guiding us, in a superior direction. That was always the danger of the engineering mindset, as it moves beyond its roots in building inanimate stuff and begins to design a more perfect social world. We are only the screws and bolts in the grand design.

In the coming time, free will and choice will be more and more a theoretical concept.

Our thoughts, choices and consequently our decisions progressively being automated, a few questions need to be addressed as we plunge in this automated world blindly.

1.   Why is the brain so gullible to these automations?

2.   Are these automations a new phenomenon of the last few decades or they existed?

3.   Does our mind have a natural bias to these automations and hence are sitting ducks to these newer algorithms?

Let us try to understand more about automations of thoughts.

Automation is defined as the technique, method, or system of operating or controlling a process by highly automatic means, as by electronic devices, reducing human intervention to a minimum.
To simplify it further it is the method of making a machine, a process, or a system work without being directly controlled by a person.

The drive to provide increased levels of control of electro-mechanical systems, and with it, a corresponding distancing of the human from direct system control has grown out of the belief that automated systems provide superior reliability, improved performance and reduced costs for the performance of many functions.

Similarly, we have the universe and nature around us, working in automation. Let me try to explain this in detail. The planets revolve around the sun and the satellites (the moon revolves around the earth in automation). Although it is not absolute because there are instances where the balance between them changes, what we know as variations in the gravitational force causing storms and cyclones.

 In physics, Gravitational force and the electromagnetic quantum dynamics are two principles to explain why the organism and the universe move in automation.

But the majority of the time, the universe tends to move in automation. Similarly, the life cycles of organisms on planet earth move in automation. Nobody can deny the fact that we are born, then we get young, turn old and finally die. These are the facts which we have to live with every single day of our life. The heart beats every single moment, the breath and the various organs like the liver makes bile or the kidneys making urine, they all move in automation without any voluntary control.

But there are instances when this automation is momentarily disturbed, which changes the balance. So as in an infectious disease or neoplasms or any other disease once the automation is broken, it rewires and starts moving into other automation, only this time it destroys the body rather than being in harmony. We call this a parasitic relationship rather than symbiotic. When we intervene with treatment in the form of medicines or therapy, we break this automation and try to get the body back to harmony or homeostasis.
The fact that the universe and all its beings are moving in automation is now well established. There are subtle moments which change this automation to make them move into new automation. For example comets or meteors changing the path.

Similarly, our brain and its pathways tend to automate. This has resulted in us making those micro and macro changes in the brain when we learn to ride a bicycle or a motorbike. Initially, when we learn to ride a bicycle we all have had fallen off balance at some moment. Once we have learned and the brain pathways have become autonomous, we do not necessarily get off balance easily and fall off the bicycle. Even when we are talking to someone while riding we are able to maintain the balance. But during our learning, we need to have maximum awareness and focus on the task, be it learning how to read and write or riding a bicycle. It can be learning how to communicate or the social interactions in early childhood. Our awareness is at its maximum. But once the learning is done, the brain and its pathway set the same task into automation.

Since the ancient history of mankind, reacting to a stressful situation or managing difficult emotions are some of the things has always been understated and not given its due importance. But today in this fast-paced world, managing thoughts and emotions has become one of the most essential skills. Multinational companies are on a lookout for such employees having high emotional quotient who can challenge this automation.

In many cases, automation has provided the desired benefits and has extended system functionality well beyond existing human capabilities. Along with these benefits, however, a certain price has been extracted.

In 1989, a US Air B-737 failed to take-off at New York’s LaGuardia Airport, landing in the nearby river (National Transportation Safety Board, 1990). The precipitating cause was an accidental disarming of the autothrottle. Neither the captain nor the first officer monitored the critical flight parameters in order to detect and correct the problem, thus the take-off was not aborted in a timely manner, resulting in the loss of the aircraft and two passengers.

In 1983, a Korean Airlines flight was shot down over the (then) USSR with no survivors. The aircraft was interpreted as hostile when it traveled into Soviet airspace without authorization or radio contact.

In each of these cases, the human operators overseeing the automated systems were unaware of the critical features of the systems they were operating. They were unaware of the state of the automated system and were unaware of the aircraft parameters the automation was responsible for.

The more we are aware of these automations, the more we will realize the horrendous effects of the technology on our minds.

 I am not anti-technology by any chance and strongly believe that embracing these advances are a must for a better future. But I also believe that these automations of thoughts are one of the primary reasons behind mental health diseases and are less highlighted in the day to day life. Too much dependence on technology lead to increase automations in our thinking resulting in being driven into a lonely world of machines which can never replace the social need of the human brain.

As we embrace the newer technologies we also need to embrace the old age methods of mindfulness, cultivate empathy and emotional intelligence which seems to be the most prudent solution to the automations created.

References: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/241260715_AUTOMATION_AND_SITUATION_AWARENESS_THE_ACCIDENT_AT_CALI_COLUMBIA

The Subtle Art of Comeback.----Why The Science Of Resilence is Important

                  I am sure that we have faced setbacks at some stage in our life. Calculations have gone wrong in spite of our best efforts. Many times Things do not turn out as we predict them to be. Life has always been unpredictable for everyone. Be it a child or the most powerful person, no one is spared! This is true for every professional and individual. As parents, when we raise our children or hold on to a failing relationship, these mishaps follow us. It is not every time that we are able to overcome them in the desired time period. We learn to live them.

The moment when failure stares at us, clawing back, seems a distant reality. Many believe that it is not everyone’s cup of tea. A comeback is for a chosen few who have a strong mindset. But in reality, our mind has other plans. A comeback is manufactured! And is the building block for a new life of hope and happiness. We all stage a comeback sooner or later but the time is taken and the belief separates the successful individuals.

What a comeback!

Comebacks are always possible; to be honest, they happen all the time. However, if you have had a setback, a comeback may seem impossible to you. Our journey of life is full of setbacks, no matter who you are. Financial problems, health issues, divorce, loss of a loved one — these and many more visit all of us. The difficult part is how you can overcome your setback. How do you accept a setback and make a comeback?

A comeback will always begin with change. If you desire a comeback you are going to have to change. Unless you change what you presently are doing or not doing, things are going to remain the same. There is no chance of a comeback. You have to be willing to do things differently from what you’ve done up to this point.

Awareness changes your mind. It happens when you receive new information or gain new knowledge — this is a change of mind.

Change happens when you adopt a new attitude. When you decide that your way of thinking is going to change — this is a change of heart. Change always happens when you choose to be committed and be perseverant — this will change your future.

Not that it will change your past but it will pave the way for a brighter tomorrow.

Like it or not, success doesn’t always happen overnight. In fact, some of the world’s most famous high achievers heard “no” at least once (and often quite a few times) before getting that all-important “yes.”

Whether you’re teaching your child or dealing with a task at hand.Failure is bound to strike you at some stage.Y ou have to get up, rewire and give it back.

Here are a few of successful people who prove that the best way to face failure is to just keep going.

 J.K. Rowling

Five years before publishing one of the most influential books of the 21st century, J.K. Rowling was living on welfare and struggling as a single mother.

Rowling wrote the first book in the Harry Potter series while working during the night as a teacher, but the manuscript was rejected 12 times by the publisher.

When Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone eventually did get published, Rowling was advised not to quit her day job since her chance of success was slim. And, of course, with over 450 million Harry Potter books sold worldwide, we all know how that really turned out!

Steven Spielberg

Now one of the Hollywood’s most respected directors, Steven Spielberg was rejected by his school of choice for film three different times. But he didn’t let that stop him.

Spielberg eventually secured an internship at Universal Studios after enrolling in a different college. During that internship, he was asked to direct a small film, with his work impressing Universal executives so much that they offered him a seven-year contract. He became the youngest director ever hired by the studio.

Sudha Chandran.

She is an Indian television and film actress and an accomplished Bharatnatyam dancer who lost her leg when she was 16 as a result of a road accident during a pilgrimage in Tamil Nadu. The bus she was traveling in hit a truck and her feet got stuck in the chaos. Her right foot was critically injured. Unfortunately for her, the doctors made a mistake while trying to cure the infection. This mistake cost Sudha her right leg.

“To stop the spread of the infection, her right leg had to be amputated 7.5 inches below the knee.”

Very rarely we come across people who have the courage and heart to make a comeback after tragedy strikes their personal lives.

May 2nd, 1981 was the day that changed Sudha Chandran forever. But she proved that she was not a quitter. She started to lose all hopes as she realized with every dance session while wearing the artificial leg, her foot began to bleed and the pain became more severe as the pace of her dancing increased. Though she was determined to overcome it.

It was after all this, that she received so much respect from the media, got an offer to act in a film based on her life and received tons of opportunities.

Marvan Attapatu

Making his debut in Test cricket for Sri Lanka, Marvan scored a duck in his first innings. And again, in his second innings.

They dropped him. So he went back to the nets for more practice. More first-class cricket. More runs. Waiting for that elusive call. And after twenty-one months, he got a second chance.

This time, he tried harder. His scores: 0 in the first innings, 1 in the second Dropped again, he went back to the grind. And scored tonnes of runs in first-class cricket. Runs that seemed inadequate to erase the painful memories of the Test failures. Well, seventeen months later, opportunity knocked yet again. Marvan got to bat in both innings of the Test. His scores: 0 and 0. Phew!

Back to the grind. Would the selectors ever give him another chance? They said he lacked big-match temperament. His technique wasn’t good enough at the highest level. Undaunted, Marvan kept trying.

Three years later, he got another chance. This time, he made runs. He came good. And in an illustrious career thereafter, Marvan went on to score over 5000 runs for Sri Lanka. That included sixteen centuries and six double hundreds. And he went on to captain his country. All this despite taking over six years to score his second run in Test cricket. Wow! What a guy!

How many of us can handle failure as well as he did? Six years of trying, and failing. He must have been tempted to pursue another career. Change his sport perhaps. Play county cricket. Or, oh well, just give up. But he didn’t. And that made the difference.

 “Perseverance is everything. Everybody has failures, but successful people keep on going.”

                     So I decided to explore the reasons why some people can stage a comeback while others fail. Going through my research and my interventions with people of all age groups, I ended up making the laws of neuroplasticity. These are based on neuroscience, neurophysics and the changes taking place in our brain. These laws were always existing in our lives but we never realized that these were making our thought process autonomous (without our conscious control).

The next problem I faced was to reach out to layman so everyone can know about these laws and can get benefited. I realized that most of the people understood these mechanisms when they were in a happy state. But would they be able to recollect these mechanisms when the tide was against them? So hence decide to explain these laws in the form of stories so I could make an impression in the mind of how our human mind works.

This is the first time when someone has tried to attempt this feat. So, I was skeptical and took reviews from people from all walks of life. I worked on the stories so even if people do not read the science part, I could reach out to them with the stories and simple explanations of the process. In spite of the many rejections of my content by my non-medico wife, Darshana, I persisted with the book until she gave me a thumbs up.

What a comeback! Is an inspiring journey of 10 friends who go through torrid times in their lives?

It gives us an insight into the functioning of the thought processes that govern our responses both in favorable and in tough times. The stories of Sam and his friends make the readers realize that they too can be superheroes in their lives and they do not need to wait for a miracle, to come up with the right decisions in life.

Each and every story is about a common man, his everyday problems and his tirade against the uncertainties of life. The book takes you on a journey into the brain of the characters and how the brain functions and overcomes difficult situations.

The intention of writing the book is to leave the reader with a sense of hope and belief that a comeback is possible in their life at any stage, no matter what destiny presents us in our journey. If the book can change the life of a single individual, my goal will be achieved.

"No one has ever achieved great heights if they have not mastered the art of the comeback." Dr. Chirag Jain

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The link to my book -----kindle version     http://amzn.in/7l2aUZV 

                                         Paperback         What a Comeback! - The laws that change the way we think

What A Comeback!The Laws That Change the Way We Think.---------"Stories that Reveal the Science Behind Resilence."

“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new centre of gravity. Don't fight them. Just find a new way to stand.”― Oprah Winfrey

"There's nothing as exciting as a comeback - seeing someone with dreams, watching them fail, and then getting a second chance" -Rachel Griffiths

We have all faced difficult moments at some stage in our life. Life has always been unpredictable. Be it a child or the most powerful person, no one is spared! Things do not turn out as we predict them to be. This is true for every profession and individual. The most successful man or woman will vouch for the above statement. It is true for every relationship, at some point of our lives. As we parent our children or hold on to a relationship, these unpredictable situations follow us.

Resilience and Perseverance go hand in hand in shaping the conditions of a comeback. It is when failure stares at us, clawing back seems a distant reality. Many believe that it is not everyone’s cup of tea. But our mind has other plans. A comeback is manufactured! And is the building block for a new life of hope and happiness. We all stage a comeback sooner a later but the time taken differs with every individual.

What a comeback! Is an inspiring journey of 10 friends who go through torrid times in their lives.

The book gives us an insight into the functioning of the thought processes that govern our responses both in favorable and in tough times. The stories of Sam and his friends make the readers realize that they too can be superheroes in their lives and they do not need to wait for a miracle, to come up with the right decisions in life.

The book is based on the laws of neuroplasticity which have been formulated based on neuroscience and the changes taking place in our brain. These laws were always existing in our lives but we never realized that these were making our thought process autonomous (without our conscious control).

 Each and every story is about a common man, his everyday problems and his tirade against the uncertainties of life. The author gives a journey into the brain of the characters and how the brain functions and overcomes difficult situations.

This is the first time when someone has tried to explain the complex mechanisms of neuroscience with the help of stories.

 The intention of writing the book is to leave the reader with a sense of hope and belief that a comeback is possible in their life at any stage, no matter what destiny presents us in our journey.

"No one has ever achieved great heights if they have not mastered the art of the comeback." Dr. Chirag Jain

“To persevere, I think, is important for everybody. Don't give up, don't give in. There's always an answer to everything.”-Louis Zamperini

you can book your copy on Amazon

Suicide video from Kandivali-The lessons learnt

 A class ninth student of Gundecha Education Academy  at Kandivili ended her life by jumping from top floor of her building. Cause is unknown. We are no one to judge her or her family or the circumstances. Family is at loss and so  is she. The video of the suicide has been widely shared on social media and parents like in most suicide cases are unaware of the situation. The danger of the suicide video being seen by the children is one of the irony which most of the parents sharing the video are unaware.

I have jotted down some of the facts and remedies which parents can intervene and prevent such events from happening.

1. A child is prone to depression much more than adults.

2.Till the age of 18, a child can be prone to mental illness , disorders and depression.

3.  If a child is showing any kinds of withdrawals , sitting quiet for a long time, dreaming , sudden loss of attention span, too many distractions and not interested in anything, temper tantrums, bouts of anger or crying too easily on petty things , please sit with the child.

4.  Take leave from work, go for a vacation. Leave everything and talk to him or her. No need to ask her why is she sad or aloof. Just discuss general things to encourage her to open up. Assure that you are there whatever happens.

5.   

Don’t ask your child to adjust too much to any changes in life. Everyone has a level of adaptability. Let it happen at its pace.

6.    No academics is important than your child’s mental and physical health.

7.  No comparing the child with others rather compare with herself/himself. Eg. When you did that test / sang a song/ played  well last time, we were more happy.

8. 

Children should play till the age they want to. Play is stress busters. Physical exercise is also a stress buster. If they don’t get a chance to play due to less kids or weather, enroll them in some hobby class or pursue a sport.

9.  If they like to dance and sing they should do that everyday.

10.    Please don’t burden them with school homework , tuition homework and external classes homework. Thinking will be limited.

11.    Talk about everything that we converse at home appropriately as per their level. Let them be aware of life's dealings.

12.  Listen to them too. If they don’t want tuitions / studies for a day or two, pls give them that break. Explain the consequences of that break. Don’t warn.

13.   Allow and encourage them to befriend  like minded kids . Let them meet their friends sometimes under supervision. Talk about their friends and their family. Allow child to gauge the nature of her friends so that she or he knows to judge correctly.

14.   Probably many of us didnt witness or even heard such incidents because we had plenty of friends to talk and share our thoughts.

15.   

Nowadays because of growing instances of  manhandling , abduction etc. We dont allow them to go down and play on their own. However, we need to make some time for this. PLAY ,  having good FRIENDS and parental interaction with kids are critical.

16. One of the best way to deal with a child having any addiction like media, bad company, drugs etc is by diverting him or her and keeping them busy with tasks they are insterested in.

17. Building up their emotional intelligence and helping to manage their emotions is important.

18. DO NOT HESITATE to take professional help if in doubt or if needed. Do not take things for granted by ignoring.

Just wote this blog  to increase more awareness among we parents.

 Every emotional turmoil can be sorted through right intervention and communication.

Life is priceless.

Unfolding the reasons behind a rape by a four year old.

A four-and-a-half-year-old boy has been booked for raping a classmate inside the classroom as well as the washroom of a prominent private school in west Delhi on Friday, police said.
The girl, who is of the same age, told her mother that the boy used his finger and a sharpened pencil to assault her sexually.
The assault caused wounds in the child’s private parts, her mother said.
Though they registered a case of rape under the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POCSO) Act was registered, police were unsure how to proceed with the prosecution because of the suspect’s age.
 The Indian Penal Code (IPC) provides children below seven years of age certain protections against prosecutions..
In her statement to police, the girl’s mother said the child complained of pain in her lower abdomen after returning from school on Friday. The girl kept complaining sporadically, but the mother ignored it thinking it was “one of her tantrums”.
The girl began crying that night and told her mother about the alleged assault. She told her mother that a boy from her class unbuttoned her pants in the classroom and used his finger to assault her.
“She tried pushing him, but could not get away as other children had left and there was no staff around,” the mother stated in the first information report (FIR).
In the FIR, the child’s mother stated that she complained to the schoolteacher through a text message that night. She informed the school again on Saturday, but the authorities allegedly did not cooperate with her and instead asked her to give a written complaint on Monday.
Since her daughter’s pain did not subside, she rushed her to a hospital where she was treated as well as a medico-legal case made. A police case was then registered.
The mother alleged that there was no class teacher or even an ayah, or help, in either the classroom or washroom at the time of the assault.
She said her daughter’s delayed exit from the classroom, as she saw in CCTV footage, corroborated the sexual assault allegation.
Is it possible that a 4 year old child can have this kind of mind set? If not which most agree then why did he do this horrendous act?
 Children at this age have their prefrontal lobe which are not developed completely so there is no regulation to their impulses. Hence any little curiosity or stimulation make the replica the things they see or hear.
Second possibility is that since their brains are highly neuroplastic (means curious and want to try new things).The neurons in our mind tend to replicate what is present in the opposite others mind. Exposure to Visual stimulation such as pornography or intimacy in adults can lead to the child replicating the same.
Another possibility is present of an adult doing this act which is the matter of investigation.
What needs to be done as Parents?
• Limiting To Exposure
Parents should be highly cautious in getting intimate in front of children. Adequate care must be taken to keep the children away from exposure to adult contents.
• Early exploration
As children learn to walk and talk, they also begin to learn about their bodies. Open the door to sex education by teaching your child the proper names for his or her sex organs, perhaps during bath time.
If your child points to a body part, simply tell him or her what it is. This is also a good time to talk about which parts of the body are private.
When your child asks questions about his or her body — or yours — don't giggle, laugh or get embarrassed. Take the questions at face value, and offer direct, age-appropriate responses. If your child wants to know more, he or she will ask.
• Curiosity about others
By age 3 or 4, children often realize that boys and girls have different genitals. As natural curiosity kicks in, you may find your child playing "doctor" or examining another child's sex organs.
Such exploration is far removed from adult sexual activity, and it's harmless when only young children are involved. As a family matter, however, you may want to set limits on such exploration.
• Everyday moments are key
Sex education isn't a single tell-all discussion. Instead, take advantage of everyday opportunities to discuss sex.
If there's a pregnancy in the family, for example, tell your child that babies grow in a special place inside the mother. If your child wants more details on how the baby got there or how the baby will be born, provide those details.
Consider these examples:
• How do babies get inside a mommy's tummy? You might say, "A mom and a dad make a baby by holding each other in a special way."
• How are babies born? For some kids, it might be enough to say, "Doctors and nurses help babies who are ready to be born." If your child wants more details, you might say, "Usually a mom pushes the baby out of her vagina."
• Why doesn't everyone have a penis? Try a simple explanation, such as, "Boys' bodies and girls' bodies are made differently."
• Why do you have hair down there? Simplicity often works here, too. You might say, "Our bodies change as we get older." If your child wants more details, add, "Boys grow hair near their penises, and girls grow hair near their vaginas."
• As your child matures and asks more-detailed questions, you can provide more-detailed responses. Answer specific questions using correct terminology.
• Even if you're uncomfortable, forge ahead. Remember, you're setting the stage for open, honest discussions in the years to come.
Proper care must be taken to monitor the kids in schools so such events may be prevented in the future.
To label the child as a criminal at this tender age seems unfair but in the eyes of law a crime has been committed. The only way forwards is proper education and counselling of both parents and kids must be done to prevent such events in the future.

The “Silent Killer” of Obesity in Children

Shushant came home crying as Radha, his mom looked at him in disbelief. His shirt was torn and there were scratches on his face. This has been happening quite often since a last few months. He had been frequently fighting with the kids in the school. His friends used to call him “Appu” as he had gained a lot of weight in the last couple of years. This would irritate him and he would end up quarreling with them. Radha had consulted quite a few doctors but was unable to diagnose the exact cause. All his blood investigation were normal and the doctor had advised to improve his eating habits. There was no one so obese in the family. Even people in the family were taunting Radha to do something about his weight. Radha who was a house wife would continuously monitor his food but Shushant was just 12 years old .He would end up eating some junk food and this would lead to arguments with his mother. Radha understood the mental state of her son but was unable to help him. She was busy the entire day with her household work and then the school assignments. She had very little time to focus on Shushant. Radha knocked on the door but Sushant was not opening it. Radha got scared. She had an alternate key with which she opened the door .She saw Shushant weeping profusely under the table. Radha was upset at seeing her son’s state. She had tried her level best but still was unable to help him. She had complained to the class teacher but of no avail. Radha was upset on seeing her son suffering but what she didn’t realize that some of the issues were existing in him before the teasing from his friends.
Historically, a fat child meant a healthy child, one who was likely to survive the rigors of undernourishment and infection. But in today’s word it has become a major healthcare problem. Factors responsible for childhood obesity like genetic inheritance, disease like Diabetes, thyroid and dietary habits are usually highlighted in media. The role of childhood emotional and social needs are highly underplayed in the contribution to obesity. This article highlights the understanding of how psychological and emotional turmoil’s can contribute to this dreaded disorder.
Habits
Perhaps one of the biggest psychological factors of childhood obesity is the child’s home habits. If a child sees their parents turn to food for comfort then they are more likely to do the same. Also, the unavailability of food and the use of food as a reward for good behavior can become habits that stay with children into their adulthoods. This means that parents can not only influence whether a child becomes obese due to their genetics, but also due their habits.
Since kids tend to imitate their parent’s habits like eating food while watching TV or mobile or eating fast these tend to be the factors responsible for child hood obesity. Poor habits start early on. Many parents adding juice to baby bottles, which introduces babies to sweet tastes too early on and predisposes them to being overweight as a toddler and adolescent.
Our Neurons in brain mimic the emotional feelings of others unless they are being regulated by the prefrontal lobe in the brain. Since their prefrontal lobe (the regulatory center) in brain develops by 18 years hence the amygdala (Emotions firing center) is unchecked. They rewire and exhibit the same emotions and habits from the parents without actually the parent teaching them or realizing they should adapt habit. This is known as mirror imaging in neuroscience. Kids learn and mimic emotional and social behaviors from their parents. Say watching TV while eating food, eating a lot of food when upset. Kids pick up these habits without the knowledge of parents.

Low self-Esteem
Many people jump to an obvious, and often wrong, conclusion when they see a child who is obese.
“The parents are letting those kids eat anything they want. Those parents must be lazy.”
“A little self-discipline is all those kids need. If that kid would just quit eating so much.”
However, for many kids the cause of obesity may go much deeper. Childhood obesity can be a physical manifestation of a Low self-esteem and what that child needs is help handling their emotions. When the healing begins, a new healthy life can begin as well. First, adults need to understand the emotional causes of childhood obesity.
Low Self Esteem is another big factor that may influence a child to become obese. While it is suggested that weight gain is a common cause of low self-esteem, it can also be a cause of weight gain as a child is more likely to turn to food for comfort and social withdrawal can contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle.
Low self-esteem is something that many children suffer from, a child who feels badly about their looks may not make an effort to stay healthy and talking to them about their weight gain may only cause further self-esteem problems.
Divorce
One stress in the house may be divorce. It literally turns a child’s world upside down. If the parents are constantly fighting for the child’s affections, that can be even more damaging. Many children turn to food as a form of rebellion as well as comfort when they can’t seem to get it anywhere else. Eating comfort foods releases those same feel good endorphins that exercise does, but the reality is that children will turn to food first because it’s easier.
Abuse
Children are also affected by abuse. It can be sexual, physical, or verbal. Children are looking for acceptance, and when that comes in the form of hurt from those who are supposed to love them, it can confuse a child and destroy their self-worth. Food is often a substitute for love and a hiding place from the abuse they can’t stop.
Traumatic injury or accidents
Trauma suffered in childhood like natural disaster or vents like suicide or murders in the neighbourhood can also lead to childhood obesity. Children can become withdrawn and prone to unhealthy behaviors like stress-induced eating. In this situation, food can become a coping mechanism that leads to another unhealthy problem — obesity.
How to manage Psychological issues or Habits  in Obese kids
Children who experience psychological changes in their lives need an outlet for their pain as well as avenues for healing. One solution is therapy.
 When a family is going through divorce, a therapist can help all parties involved deal with their own feelings, as well as those of the other family members. Kids have a chance to vent and also to understand that the divorce has nothing to do with them.
In cases of abuse whether by a family member or an outsider, healing is crucial. A child needs guidance in how to process their feelings, as well as acceptance and understanding from their family. Eating disorders are commonplace in children of abuse. Therapy can give a child who finds solace in food a healthier way to communicate and deal with his or her pain.
When an injury or accident occurs in a child’s life they can be left to feel helpless. The ingestion of food is one thing they can control. Proper psychological help is crucial in this instance as this could become a lifelong preoccupation with controlling the world through means as futile as what they eat. Besides the control, the whole endorphin through eating comes into play once again, setting children up for a vicious cycle of eating for comfort, then eating to hide from their feelings about being obese.
Obese children are often hiding a deep, psychological pain. Learning to cope constructively with feelings not only produces emotionally well-adjusted children, but physically fit children, too. Look beyond the sugary treats if you love a child who is obese and help them find the pain behind the problem.
Interventions
There is no such thing as a perfect family. We all do what we can for our children but the situation may be less than ideal. Changes in the home not only affect the parents, but also the kids.
Training the children to be aware of their emotions and deal with pressure from peers and maintain healthy relationship like Mindfulness based Cognitive interventions are some of the methods which increase the resilience and improve their impulsive behaviors. They learn how to cope up with the stressful events and are aware of their eating habits
How to eat food
Scientists discover those who eat too quickly are five-and-a-half times more likely than slow eaters to go on to develop a cluster of conditions including obesity, high blood pressure and cholesterol

Bolting your food increases your risk of obesity, diabetes and heart disease, research suggests.
People who eat very quickly do not give their bodies time to realize it is full – meaning they tend to eat more. Eating slowly, savoring every mouthful and taking time over a meal is better for overall health.
Faster eating speed was linked with more weight gain, higher blood glucose and an expanding waistline.
Researchers proved that chewing food properly does help us eat less at the dinner table.
A study has found that eating slowly and having smaller bites makes us feel less hungry an hour afterwards than if we wolf down food. People who ate slowly also drank more, which helped them feel fuller.
Eating without the distraction of mobile, computers or TV can help children lose weight and maintain the loss.
Eating mindfully, choosing and savoring food away from the distractions of computers and televisions, can help people lose weight, a study has shown. Kids can eat what they want, including their favorite high-calorie, fattening foods. But they must eat it mindfully, thinking about nothing but the enjoyment of eating their food – although not necessarily eating all of it.
           Radha spoke to Shushank about his problems and how she could help him. She decided to spend more time with him and help him lose weight. Her husband started taking him to the park regularly where he would exercise with Sushank. They started attending mindfulness sessions where the family learned how to mindfully eat their food. Sushank lost 6 kgs in the first month and he became healthier. Radha came to school and requested the principal to take necessary action. The principal met the boys who were teasing him and warned them .The couple spend more time with child and decreased their screen time. Sushank was lucky that his family was able to help him out but there are many obese kids who have this “silent killer” as the cause are not so lucky and need help.